Diary: What 2011 holds in store. Maybe

By Brinsley Dresden, a partner at Lewis Silkin LLP, campaignlive.co.uk, Friday, 14 January 2011 12:00AM

1. Following the decision of the Culture Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, to approve News International's acquisition of BSkyB, the BBC will formally adopt the pronunciation pioneered by James Naughtie for all future references to "Jeremy C***".

2. Sir Martin Sorrell's decision to relocate WPP to Ireland for tax reasons will cost him a peerage, but gain him a sainthood! Pope Benedict will canonise Saint Martin in recognition of the miracle that he has performed by singlehandedly saving the Irish economy by becoming the largest taxpayer in Ireland. In fact, by becoming the only taxpayer in Ireland.

3. The decision of David Cameron (ex-Eton and Oxford) and Nick Clegg (ex-Westminster and Cambridge) to broaden the social inclusiveness of the ConDem coalition will see the promotion to the front bench of John Whittingdale, who before rising to the dizzy heights of chairman of the Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee overcame a deprived childhood at Winchester and University College London.

4. Mumsnet's Annual Review of 2010 will follow the lead of Time magazine by awarding a Man of the Year award, although commentators express surprise when it is announced that the inaugural winner is none other than Garry Lace.

5. David Cameron will consult generously remunerated PR advisors on the possibility of using user-generated content, crowdsourcing, bloggers and graffiti artists to create entirely free advertising campaigns for the Government. However, COI will go one better by demanding pitch fees from agencies, and actually procure government advertising at a profit.

6. As tobacco companies are forced to remove their branding and sell cigarettes in plain white packets, Marlboro will announce that its iconic cowboy is to be replaced by a new character: a snowman.

7. Having spent £25 million sponsoring Boris Johnson's bicycles, only for them to become universally known as "Boris Bikes", Barclays Bank will bow to the inevitable and announce its first rebranding since 1690, changing its name to Boris Bank.

8. Aleksandr Orlov will be the subject of the first high-profile prosecution under the Bribery Act 2010, when it emerges that all members of the Fifa Executive Committee have benefited from free car insurance ever since the award of the 2018 World Cup to Russia.

9. Following the reversal of fortune represented by England's crushing victory over Australia to retain the Ashes, Australia will convict Ricky Ponting and transport him to penal servitude in England and then ask to be restored to the status of British colony, so that future Ashes humiliations can be avoided.

10. Her Majesty's worst fears about her grandson's decision to marry a commoner will be realised when Kate Middleton's parents insist that outdated pageantry should be replaced by their princess-themed party kits for the royal wedding. Prince Charles, however, will be delighted, as it affords him and Camilla the opportunity to dress up as a pantomime horse. Camilla will take the front end, naturally, with Charles reprising his favoured role as a Horse's Arse.

Got a diary story? E-mail us at campaign@haymarket.com or call (020) 8267 4656.

This article was first published on campaignlive.co.uk

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