By Brinsley Dresden, Lewis Silkin, campaignlive.co.uk, Friday, 14 December 2007 12:00AM
All advertising will be banned, following the publication of a report by the World Health Organisation, identifying global ennui as a major cause of slight discomfort around the world in the 21st century, caused by advertising which makes people want things they don't have.
2. The Ivy goes green for the ASA Fears that the Advertising Standards Authority's demands for substantiation for green claims have become overblown are confirmed when the scaffolding comes down from The Ivy to reveal that it has not just been repainted, but renamed The Artificial Ivy.
3. Cadbury's gorilla backs out
Cadbury will be disappointed when the drum-playing gorilla refuses to appear in the follow- up execution for its Dairy Milk campaign. The gorilla backs out when asked to perform another Phil Collins' hit, You Can't Hurry Love, on the grounds that even a gorilla has artistic integrity.
4. Boris beats election allcomers
Boris Johnson will defy logic, good sense and the pollsters by being elected London Mayor, following the announcement of his intention to scrap the Congestion Charge, causing Londoners to become nostalgic for the good old days, when you could be stuck in traffic for hours at a time, without having to pay £8 for the privilege.
5. Smirting boost for ambient advertising
"Smirting", the romantic practice of smoking while flirting, will result in a huge boost in ambient advertising by certain brands, mainly in the doorways of offices and pubs, particularly by Viagra and Durex.
6. Pudsey does a moonlight flit
Public trust in the BBC will be terminally damaged when it emerges that Pudsey the Bear has fled to darkest Peru, having not only taken the entire proceeds of Children in Need, but also a computer disk containing the name, address and bank account details of every donor.
7. EU extends ad warnings rule
Having decided that 25 per cent of car advertising must be given over to information about emissions, the European Union will extend the principle to other sectors. From now on, 25 per cent of alcohol ads will have to warn about the dangers of impotency, hangovers and beer goggles, which cause sufferers to go to bed with Madonna and wake up with Hilda Ogden.
8. Christopher Graham makes TV debut with Tess Daly
Having banned most TV ads, the ASA decides that it can solve the resulting funding crisis by announcing that its director-general, Christopher Graham, and Tess Daly will host Strictly Compliant, a weekly TV review of current investigations, followed by a premium-rate phone vote, so viewers can decide whether or not complaints should be upheld.
9. Viagra hit by TUPE cock-up
Celebrations at the agency that wins Viagra will end, following the decision to fire all the staff from the old agency aged 40+ who wanted to TUPE over. Hamish Pringle condemns the Age Discrimination claims as proof TUPE is a cock-up.
10. Clinton storms to the White House
Hilary Rodham Clinton will be the first woman to be elected as US President, but will be plagued by persistent rumours of marital strife when she appoints Bill as the US Ambassador to Saudi Arabia, a country where the punishment for the crime of adultery is not public humiliation by the world's media, but public execution by stoning. Hilary, meanwhile, has never looked happier.
This article was first published on campaignlive.co.uk