2. Sarah Palin will start her bid to become America's first Hockey Mom President in 2012 by replacing Charlton Heston as the leader of the National Rifle Association, joining the judges of America's Got Talent and becoming the new face of Specsavers.
3. Lord Mandelson of Deripaska will complete a hat-trick of ministerial resignations when the Bank of England is bought on the cheap by Russian businessmen. His political career over, Peter will relaunch himself, winning Strictly Come Dancing 2009 before starring as Widow Twankey in panto at the Wimbledon Theatre.
4. Boris Johnson will unveil a cunning plan to win more medals and spend less money on London 2012 by ditching sports so beloved of Johnny Foreigner with their expensive requirements, like stadiums, and replacing them with traditional British sports, such as the egg-and-spoon race and the Eton Wall Game, with Team GB captained by Boris himself.
5. The Gambling Commission will abandon an investigation into Mansion, the gambling company that sponsors Spurs, when Harry Redknapp succeeds in keeping the club in the Premiership, and all those autumnal bets by Spurs fans on their team's Premiership survival turn out not to be so suspicious after all.
6. As football clubs take steps to guard against the insolvency of their shirt sponsors, Man U and Newcastle simply replace the logos of AIG and Northern Rock with those of the US Federal Reserve and the Bank of England instead.
7. Sir Martin Sorrell will avoid taking a metaphorical bath by winning significant new business despite the credit crunch, but his hiring freeze will melt like a polar ice cap as thousands of new employees join WPP by TUPE transfer from the vanquished agencies.
8. Ofcom will save public service broadcasting by loosening ad regulation. Russell Brand will be appointed as the head of Clearcast and Jonathan Ross as the head of BCAP, heralding a new approach to TV ad regulation in general, and taste and decency issues in particular.
9. David Cameron will win the snap election, called prematurely by Gordon Brown at the first sight of the green shoots of recovery, but will then immediately be ousted in a bloodless coup by none other than Boris Johnson.
10. Churches, mosques and synagogues will be packed to the rafters when Richard Dawkins is hit by a bus bearing one of the ads he financed declaring: "There's probably no God, now stop worrying and enjoy your life."