CAMPAIGN DIARY: I’M ONLY A PUNTER BUT

A funny thing happened to me on the way home from a car dealership the other day.

A funny thing happened to me on the way home from a car dealership

the other day.



I was driving along when suddenly everything became black and white and

slow motion. A little girl in a red coat stopped walking down the

street, looked at me in a strange way before being dragged from the path

of a jack-knifing juggernaut by some bloke in a suit.



Then, I was a child swimming with a bloke in a suit. Then, I was

swimming with some sultry eight-year-old girl while a big, mean-looking

shark lurked menacingly. I blinked (in slow motion, of course). I was

confronted with images - possibly dreams, possibly memories - that were

all filmed beautifully, but which I couldn’t make any sense of.



For example, in one dream sequence I was sitting in a restaurant with

some woman who cleared the table with a swipe of her arm, climbed on it

and tore my glasses from my face without a thought to the possible

damage to my lenses. She then kissed me passionately.



In another dream, I was being eyed-up by some woman as I washed her

car.



After seducing her on the kitchen table, I realised her husband must be

in bed as she kept telling me to be quiet. It was a little strange to

discover that she was my wife and her husband was actually my son.



After this, my bride-to-be punched me in the face. It must have been

because she’d seen my hugely impressive shark bite, which I don’t

remember getting.



I suppose I mustn’t complain. I’ve still got my sultry eight-year-old

(who is now about 30 but still only operates at 50 frames per second),

and my life has quite a catchy soundtrack - although sometimes it’s a

bit annoying.



All I know is, that’s the last time I buy a Peugeot.



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