If I have to sit through another design group presenting their
’view of the brand’, I will scream and scream until I’m sick.
The meeting goes like this. First, the Ally McBeal-lookalike account
handler takes us through everything the design gurus have done for the
brand to date. Which is bugger all. They have ’conducted a brand audit’
a.k.a. told the client what they already knew ... made all the leaflets
look the same ... and sent in a Godzilla-sized invoice.
But you can see why the clients pay up. After all, the account handler
can spout a stream of words like ’holistic’ and keep a straight
Next up is the designer - looking like every other designer you’ve ever
bumped into at D&AD exhibitions peering at logos. He (always he)
proceeds to lecture you on the future of the brand.
This is where the fun really starts. Because left in the hands of
designers, the future of all brands is identical.
’Fresh’, ’open’ and ’modern’ are the brand values. All the type is sans
serif, and preferably all lower case, and naturally too small for my mum
to read. The main colour is blue. But, hey, there is a ’palette of
secondary colours’. (Great!) And photography is ’real, not posed’. And,
er ... that’s it.
You think I exaggerate. Designers, bless ’em, don’t talk about copy
much, because they can’t read.
They never mention advertising, because it scares the shit out of
Any ideas? Who needs an idea when you have ’a subtly re-drawn, dynamic,
It’s not the arrogance or the incompetence of these people that pisses
me off. Really. It’s the fact that they take themselves and their
bullshit so damn seriously. Three hours in a smile-free zone. I just
can’t wait for the next one.