DIARY: GOATEE SPECIAL; I’m only a goat but...

It gets my goat! Why, oh why, is it deemed fashionable in West End media circles to grow a tiny tuft of bum-fluff beneath the chin, and then pass it off as a beard? Do these people really want to look like goats? Do they think goats want to look like them? Do goats have any choice in the matter?

It gets my goat! Why, oh why, is it deemed fashionable in West End media

circles to grow a tiny tuft of bum-fluff beneath the chin, and then pass

it off as a beard? Do these people really want to look like goats? Do

they think goats want to look like them? Do goats have any choice in the

matter?



Goats have a bad enough time as it is roaming about, homeless, with

everyone thinking it’s really funny to call us Billy - like we’ve not

heard that line before - and having to eat bits of old rope, turnip and

Wellington boot ’cos someone got it into their heads that goats will eat

anything.



Basically, we spend most our time trying to avoid being boiled as an

ingredient of some sort of Caribbean-style curry, only to endure the

ignominy of people saying: ‘Hey, Billy, you look just like a Soho

creative.’



Goats are mad as hell and don’t want to take it any more. But what can

we do? Launch an ad campaign is one option: ‘if anyone can, Billy can!’,

‘goats are people too!’, ‘he ain’t Billy, he’s my brother’. Perhaps some

comparative ads: ‘oi, goatee, no!’ or ‘call that a beard?’ alongside

images of real beards: Lenin, W. G. Grace, Winston Fletcher, Fatima

Whitbread (that’s enough! This isn’t Loaded - Ed).



The answer lies in guerrilla marketing. Take a selection of these goatee

w@*k!@s, and put speech bubbles coming out of their mouths saying things

like ‘Jimmy Hill’, ‘chin rub’, ‘yeah, Father Christmas and the three

bears’.



To be honest, you’ve got to be suspicious of anyone who’s got a beard

full stop. There’s the direct marketing beard - you know, really

trimmed, but a real beard not a goatee, and usually attached to slightly

over-long, wavy hair and glasses, with something naff like a cravat and

a pinched expression.



There’s the production company old-lag beard: not really trimmed, with a

few crumbs from lunch or a wine stain, attached to a rosy, fatter face

and too-long hair that should have been cut when Freddie Mercury and

Peter Gabriel cut theirs. And then there’s the bufton-tufton

researcher’s beard, attached to a balding pate and a cigar and tweed

jacket.



Haven’t you all heard? Gillette’s the best a man can get!



Send your 400-word rants to Stefano Hatfield, 174 Hammersmith Road,

London W6 7JP



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