DIARY: I’m only a punter but...

I’m only a punter, but what is wrong with PR people? Why do they never actually get any PR, using as a sort of universalised excuse the intrusion of real news on any given day? And if, by some extraordinary conjunction of the planets, they manage to break into the media, why is the result so unerringly and fatally damaging?

I’m only a punter, but what is wrong with PR people? Why do they never

actually get any PR, using as a sort of universalised excuse the

intrusion of real news on any given day? And if, by some extraordinary

conjunction of the planets, they manage to break into the media, why is

the result so unerringly and fatally damaging?



Why are they always late, always ‘stuck in traffic’? Why, when they do

walk into the room, do your spirits momentarily rally at the thought

that this time you might be proved wrong, and then slump irrevocably

when they begin to enlarge upon their intentions?



And why have they never got time to carry out their preposterous Venn

diagram proposal and delegate it to a half-wit secretary who has about

as much chance of success as shoving half a pound of melted butter into

a wild cat’s left ear with a red hot needle? Why have they never heard

of Wodehouse? Why have they never read any books? Why have they never

read any newspapers?



Why are the men always weakened by lack of sunlight? Why have they all

got names like shattered BBC sports presenters? Why do they sign their

names with teenage doodles of a smiley face next to it? And the women;

why are they all so foolish? Why are they invariably engaged in an

unsavoury sexual liaison in the hope, confided in one of many expansive

moods, of corporate preferment.



Why do they say ‘C’mon, c’mon I haven’t got all day’ and then use

phrases like ‘sessionable multi-use drink delivering refreshment and

style values’ without permitting themselves so much as a shudder of

embarrassment?



Why are they so devoid of propriety? Why do they emblazon Wispa Gold

upon St Paul’s Cathedral and then congratulate themselves that

everyone’s talking about it? ‘Yeah, no, it’s really good coz, see, no-

one’s heard of it before and now awareness has gone up to 93 per cent’.

Why have sales of Wispa Gold plummeted?



Why do they never say anything that is intended to be funny?



Why do they provoke a barely disguisable desire to rush at them with a

fire-extinguisher and ram the hose up their nostril before whipping out

the safety pin and dangling it in front of their uncomprehending but

outraged faces? Why has no-one ever done this?



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1 Job description: Digital marketing executive

Digital marketing executives oversee the online marketing strategy for their organisation. They plan and execute digital (including email) marketing campaigns and design, maintain and supply content for the organisation's website(s).