DIARY: I’m only a punter but...

You can imagine how it happens.

You can imagine how it happens.



Car client to agency: ‘We’ve got these great new models. They’re state

of the art. The Internet’s state of the art, too. Let’s use that.’



Account director: ‘Great. We’ll work up a concept. Ciao.’



Two months later, account director calls client: ‘We’ve cracked it. It’s

not an Internet site, it’s a telly ad with an Internet site and the

buyers interact with our Internet ad. That way we can make the Internet

ad the star of our ad. We can show the car and the ad. They’ll both be

the hero. But that’s not all. Let’s stick in a couple of teenagers - you

know, boy meets girl over her dad’s computer screen. Excellente or

what?’



Client: ‘Sensational. Avante!’



Thus surely was born the Fiat Bravo/Brava ad, leading contender for top

prize in the ‘Most Gratuitous use of the Internet in an International

ad’. Here, unexpurgated, is the script.



Posh Eurotottie jailbait: ‘Let’s have a look in dad’s study.’



Boy Euroscruff, probably with rich parents who leave him to his own

devices, agrees. They see computer - it’s switched on! - and guess what?

All they want to do is play with it. Boy: ‘Hey, I wonder what he’s

hooked up to?’



Girl, nervously: ‘Are you kidding? He’ll go berserk.’



Boy elbows girl aside, presses keys on keyboard without even looking and

up comes the Bravo/Brava site. Miracolo! Boy reads off the screen,

making curious rolling motion with his hands (perhaps some ancient

knitting stitch, or is it foreplay?): ‘The 1996 Car of the Year. Two

different cars built around the same vision.’



Girl, by now hot for it: ‘Let’s take a closer look.’



Boy: ‘No. I’ll do it. Wow! Imagine driving it.’



Girl: ‘You’re not old enough to drive.’ (Audience thinks: is that what’s

really on his mind?)



Cut to dad, sleek Euro exec with gold-rimmed glasses and trim stubble -

probably an international account exec with a multinational agency, or a

Lufthansa pilot - who is entering the house.



Girl, giving Internet site some further investigation: ‘Hey, a digital

stereo.’



Boy: ‘Wow. Multi-valve engines.’



Dad enters study. Sharp intakes of breath all around. Dad looks

appropriately stern - as though he has caught them in mid-bonk. Then he

realises they’ve only been surfing the Net. Smiles. Leans over computer

and says: ‘Where shall we go today?’ And we know the answer.



For this is as bad as you can get, so bad it makes Ferrero Rocher look

like British Airways. It piles cliche upon cliche, topped off with

appalling dialogue. Its creators are, as they say, suffering delusions

of mediocrity. Ciao!



Send your rant to 174 Hammersmith Road, London W6 7JP



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1 Job description: Digital marketing executive

Digital marketing executives oversee the online marketing strategy for their organisation. They plan and execute digital (including email) marketing campaigns and design, maintain and supply content for the organisation's website(s).