DIARY: ITV Digital's selling off its assets - I think I'll go and bid a monkey

Wanted - good home for hardly used digital television platform, can be temperamental, only two previous owners and not that many more former customers. Comes complete with legions of angry football fans and hundreds of unused set-top boxes. Open to offers for quick sale.

Yes, anyone wanting to pick over the decaying bones of ITV Digital needs to make their way sharpish to the haunted Marco Polo House (previous tenants have included British Satellite Broadcasting) in Battersea, where the entire contents of Granada and Carlton's ill-fated venture into pay-TV are up for sale.

Among the former assets is the ironically named "mirrored disaster recovery centre and a "conditional access platform - rather optimistically sized for up to no fewer than two million customers. Also included is a full range of office furniture - with light oak or beech effect to suit any occasion. And anyone who is not tempted by that can instead raise their paddle for laptops, framed football shirts and (er, shouldn't they be giving these away?) signed Hear'Say photos.

Sadly, if you're after a stuffed Monkey you're probably going to be disappointed - although our man with the gavel suggests that you can always make an offer for Granada's erstwhile chairman, Steve Morrison, or ITV's former chief executive, Stuart "Officer Prebble - who are currently "resting since the platform's spectacular collapse.

The sale is set to go some way to paying ITV Digital's long list of creditors.

And which poor companies are top of the list? Step forward ... Carlton and Granada.

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