Brendan Ryan, the New York-based boss of Foote Cone & Belding, has just given it his best shot. But it doesn't look as though he'll be giving John Motson a run for his money. Announcing the retirement of Harry Reid, a Stamford Bridge regular when he isn't being FCB's international president, Ryan's all-staff memo said: "It now appears certain that the Chelsea Football Club of London, England will, for the fourth straight year, not come in first in the English Premier League."
"As a result, long-time Chelsea loyalist Harry Reid has decided to retire from FCB and seek a meeting with Mr Roman Ambramovitch (sic), owner of Chelsea, to offer his services as either the new coach, replacing Mr Claudio Ranieri, or as Leftwing (sic), replacing the injured Damian Duff."
A plucky effort, Brendan. Pity about the own goals.