Let me explain. When someone shows me their ad and I respond with "Yeah, it's nice, really well shot, too," what I actually mean is: "Yeah, it's okay but I don't wish I'd done it."
But if I see an ad and experience a numbing, vomit-inducing surge of jealousy followed by a violent expletive, it means that I love the ad.
Indeed, I love it so much that I would happily part with 50 per cent of my testicles to have done it. A 0.1 on the Yoowanker! Scale equates to whale excrement while a 10.0 is the greatest compliment I can pay another creative.
First up are three ads for the ladies from Archers. The table has been turned and gratuitous sexual images of men are thrown at us. They're fairly funny but strategically heavy handed. Mother regularly scores highly on my Yoowanker! Scale but these register a less-than-seismic 4.6.
Next is One.Tel. This is one of those generic "go one better than your neighbours" analogies. I don't wish I'd done it. Indeed, I'm glad I didn't.
I'd rather not have to watch this again- for me, it's a flaccid ripple of 0.9 on the Yoowanker! Scale.
Next are some print ads for Sofa Workshop. The thought's okay - we'll turn your highly individual foibles into a sofa for your highly individual buttocks. But they don't look very exciting and manage no more than 3.9.
McDonald's has a new all-British burger, apparently. So in this spot, a man floats across America in a huge airship burger (as you do) to rub the fact in. Giving the finger to Americans is great sport when it's done wittily, but this isn't and it's pretty uninspiring viewing. I don't feel remotely jealous. A mere 2.2 on the Scale.
Next we have a print campaign for the Multiple Sclerosis Society. I suspect, like many people, I had no idea what this disease was like. I had no idea about the random and tragic effects it has on sufferers. But I do now and for that these ads should be applauded. I don't wish I'd done them, but I do wish the MS Society success. A 6.3 on the Scale.
Finally, two edgy commercials where lads get themselves fired so they can rush home to enjoy PlayJam on the telly. My slight problem here is the sheer scale of the overclaim - these are pretty basic computer games.
You might just sacrifice your career for Xbox or PlayStation 2, but for PlayJam it's all trying a bit too hard. Nevertheless, it is having a go and these measure a respectable 5.6 on the Yoowanker! Scale.
Of course, it's hugely difficult to create advertising that makes your peers jealous, but I think it's fair to say this week's crop falls below the usual standard. So while disgruntled creatives hurl profanities in my direction, I look forward to next week's Private View and an ad that makes me swear out loud.
Multiple Sclerosis Society
Client: Ken Walker, director of marketing
Brief: Make young people who are newly diagnosed with MS realise they
are not alone by getting them to contact other young people with MS via
the MS Society website/message board
Agency: Saatchi & Saatchi
Writers: Anna Toosey and Mike Long
Art directors: Anna Toosey and Mike Long
Typographer: Scott Silvey
Photographers: Giblin and James
Exposure: Press, posters and postcards
Project: Sofa Workshop brand campaign
Client: Paddy Prowse, brand director
Brief: Increase consideration of Sofa Workshop and its made-to-measure
Writer: Jim Saunders
Art director: Molly Godet
Photographer: Alun Crockford
Exposure: Lifestyle monthlies and quality weekend supplements
Project: Big Tasty launch
Client: Tom Shelston, senior brand manager
Brief: Launch the new Big Tasty burger
Agency: Leo Burnett
Writer: Matt Wheeler
Art director: David Chidlow
Production company: Big Guns
Exposure: National TV
Project: One.Tel rebranding campaign
Client: Cristel Lee Leed, UK marketing manager
Brief: Rebranding of the One.Tel product
Agency: EHS Brann
Writer: Ross Keenleyside
Art director: Simon Armstrong
Director: Ian Sharp
Production company: Democracy
Exposure: Cable and terrestrial TV
Project: Something for the ladies
Client: Philip Gladman, marketing director
Brief: Put female sassiness back into Archers
Art director: Mother
Typographer: Ian Hutchings
Photographer: Carl Johann Paulin
Exposure: National 48-sheet posters
Client: Mickey Kalifa, managing director
Brief: Brand-building campaign to drive traffic to PlayJam
Writer: Zac Ellis
Art director: Rich Littler
Director: Vince Squibb
Production company: The Paul Weiland Film Company
Exposure: MTV, E4 and Sky One