After all, this is the nemesis that stalks all us long-term Private View reviewers. Like Sam Cooke and his prostitute, Marvin Gaye and his cross-dressing preacher father, now me, bludgeoned to death with a yellow pencil.
Well, if it had to be here and now then where better than among my peers and on this Olympian field? I closed my eyes and assumed the brace position.
But the blow never came. My assailant was called to the podium to receive his second award of the night. God knows it has been a while since I'd had any reason to thank the D&AD TV jury for anything but that night ... a man in a DJ saved my life.
Strongbow sales are up, share is up, so it has changed the campaign.
"Get a thirst first features the lads going to great lengths to get parched enough to appreciate the sparkling apple fluid. Pamplona Bull run, cast adrift in open boat etc. Now, I've seen grown men visibly dehydrate doing a Stella Artois commercial but these don't do it for me. A tad too laddy, a touch too lagery. Whatever happened to those "live to loaf spots? They were good.
Whatever happened to Dennis Pennis? His alter ego, Paul Kaye, has certainly struggled to find a second joke (assuming, of course that you found Pennis funny). He pops up as "Dave the Dad in a new series of spots for Woolworths' kids' school stuff. I think these are a cheerful and refreshing solution to a difficult brief but Mr Kaye has been less enthusiastic. "I've just done an advert for Woolies. What a cunt, the ungrateful wretch conceded to a Guardian reporter. He'll get no argument from me there.
Whatever happened to Alpen? The "muesli of the masses has been compressed into briquettes to contest the burgeoning cereal bar market. These smart and contemporary posters illustrate the utter folly of trying to enjoy Alpen with milk in a bowl during the rush hour. Lesson learned. Job done.
Nike has taken the very sound idea of a "challenge for its 10km Run London race but rather overcooked the posters with at least one line too many.
Whatever happened to your old Golf GTI? Volkswagen uses TV to remind us that, perhaps alone in the M1 sector, the Golf has real heritage.
This excellent observation is revealed to us through the medium of time travel. An old Golf GTI travels through a landscape of changing brands until it meets itself, 25 years later. Kafkaesque, no? Fascinating for us sad brandheads, wilfully complicated for most punters. Is it up its own arse? It's wedged, luv! But it's such a nice arse that you want to pat it. Indeed, award juries will probably go one step further and actually kiss it.
Simple Skin Defence for Men has repositioned itself as an aid to rash-free cunnilingus - fair enough. This spot has got rumpy-pumpy, skin-sloughing, snake men and ... hang on a minute ... whatever happened to Belford and Roberts?
Project: Run London
Client: Jack Gold, UK head of brand communications
Brief: Recruit 20,000 runners for the Nike 10K
Agency: Wieden & Kennedy London
Writers: Simon MacTaggart and Matt Follows
Art directors: Nick Darken and Chris Grooms
Typographer: Richard Hooker
Photographer: David Hughes
Exposure: London press and posters
Project: Golf GTI
Client: Catherine Woolfe, communications manager, small cars
Brief: Celebrate the 25th anniversary of the Golf GTI
Agency: BMP DDB
Writer: Andrew Fraser
Art director: Leslie Ali
Director: Ringan Ledwidge
Production company: Harry Nash
Exposure: National TV
Project: Simple Skin Defence for Men
Client: Oliver Devine, marketing manager
Brief: Dramatise to couples the benefits of Simple Skin Defence for Men
on scaly or dry skin
Art director: Us
Production company: Independent Films
Exposure: National cinema
Client: Jon Eggleton, group marketing director
Brief: Demonstrate that Strongbow is built to refresh efficiently
Writer: Carol Haig
Art director: Phil Martin
Director: Peter Cattaneo
Production company: Academy
Exposure: National TV
Project: Alpen bars
Client: Tony Corp, marketing controller
Brief: Introduce new bars from Alpen
Agency: Banks Hoggins O'Shea/FCB
Writer: Jason Cascarina
Art director: Andy Lennard
Typographer: Martin Crockatt
Photographer: Kelvin Murray
Exposure: Magazines, tube posters and Adrail six-sheets
Project: Woolworths "red W" campaign
Client: Mark Trinder, head of brand communications
Brief: Launch a new campaign at the beginning of the "back to school"
Agency: Bates UK
Writer: Chris Harris
Art director: Ben Stafford
Director: Steve Lowe
Production company: The Business
Exposure: National TV