Private View: Jonathan Burley, creative director of HHCL/Red Cell

Now here's a crazy thing.

It's almost like all the ads I've been sent to Private View are specifically aimed at me this week. I read The Times. I drink Guinness. I have watched UKTV. My mortgage is with C&G. I have bought disastrous shirts from Harvey Nics. In my time I've even stuffed my fat face with more than one Big Tasty (usually when in the grip of a real shitty hangover, one of those hangovers that feels like there are two horrendously ugly people fucking inside your head). I'm a consumer, then, which should lend a certain relevance to my responses to these ads.

McDonald's first. Bleary-eyed bloke staggers/tumbles out of bed and off to work, wincing at every bright light that attacks him on the way, eventually making his way to the even brighter lights of McDonald's, where he tucks into an eggybaconyburgery thing, sinisterly masquerading as a breakfast. As an ad, it is fine. Blandly harmless, it slips past the eye easily and inoffensively enough. There just doesn't seem to be that wonderful insight and wit and empathy that McDonald's advertising once seduced me with, back in the halcyon Nick Bell days. Shame.

According to the latest UKTV advertising, I have had 11 jobs, fiddled £3,000 in expenses, been arrested once, had five sexual partners and consumed 12,800 pints of beer. None of these facts particularly fit my personal experience, and I don't see myself as the least-average Joe in the world, so I'm not exactly sure why they should persuade me to settle on UKTV as I flit between the channels on my Sky + box.

The Times is the biggest for sport, these posters reckon. So I guess if it's big sport you're after, The Times is the place to go.

After watching the new early-90s retro vignette adwank for C&G, I feel almost embarrassed that I signed away my financial life to them for 25 years. Fuck it. Maybe I should take my business somewhere more progressive and fashionable and pertinent. Somewhere with cooler ads. Such as the Halifax.

In the new Guinness spot, four twats get marooned in the jungle and for an interminable time follow some pissed-up moths who are on their way to a pub that sells Guinness, or something. It is a pointless, dull, uninspiring, dated bit of film for a pointed, exciting, inspirational brand, which is a rubbish, rubbish thing. It makes me feel unaccountably sad every time I see it.

HN On Earth. Now this is joyous advertising, Heaven on Earth just like the ads proclaim, a beautiful, Hieronymus Bosch vision of consumer heaven, gorgeously rendered for Harvey Nichols, dazzling the eye and sucking you in. Maybe not the hugest idea in the world, but such execution; if it weren't for the fabulous, heterosexual gravity pull of the Gemma in my life, I should wish to turn lady after seeing these ads, to slip on a pair of kitten heels and a Marc Jacobs vest and go sashaying round Knightsbridge with a smile and a dye job.

Lovely.

HARVEY NICHOLS

Project: "HN on Earth"

Client: Julia Bowe, marketing director

Brief: Bring the Harvey Nichols experience to life in a new brand

campaign

Agency: DDB London

Writer: Patrick McClelland

Art director: Grant Parker

Photographer: Tim Bret-Day

Typographer: Mary Lam Exposure: National press

UKTV

Project: UKTV People and UKTV Documentary launch

Client: Lesley Henry, head of brand development, factual

Brief: Launch UKTV People and UKTV Documentary, two new factual channels

Agency: Karmarama

Writer: Naresh Ramchandani

Art director: Dan Norris

Director: Eidur Snorri

Production company: BBC Broadcast

Exposure: Satellite and terrestrial TV

MCDONALD'S

Project: "Light breakfast"

Client: Tom Shelston, senior brand manager

Brief: McDonald's breakfast is a welcome source of comfort, both

physically and emotionally, in its customers' lives

Agency: Leo Burnett

Writers: Paul Shearer, Jim Thornton

Art directors: Paul Shearer, Jim Thornton

Director: Colin Gregg

Production company: Large Corp

Exposure: National TV

THE TIMES

Project: "Biggest for sport"

Client: Andy Mullins, marketing director

Brief: Promote the sports coverage in The Times, which has the largest

sports section of any daily newspaper

Agency: Rainey Kelly Campbell Roalfe/Y&R

Writer: Richard McGrann

Art director: Andy Clough

Photographer: Nick Meek

Typographer: Lee Alridge

Exposure: London poster sites

C&G

Project: "Individuals"

Clients: Chris Steele, director of marketing and customer service; Ian

Whittaker, head of marketing

Brief: C&G, mortgages tailored to your needs

Agency: Saatchi & Saatchi

Writer: Susie Henry

Art director: Judy Smith

Director: David Lodge

Production company: Outsider

Exposure: National TV and cinema

GUINNESS

Project: "Moth"

Client: Nick Robinson, marketing director

Brief: Parallel the surge and settle of Guinness to a movement from

darkness into light

Agency: Abbott Mead Vickers BBDO

Writer: Nick Worthington

Art director: Paul Brazier

Director: Walter Stern

Production company: Academy

Exposure: Terrestrial and satellite TV, cinema and on Guinness.com

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1 Job description: Digital marketing executive

Digital marketing executives oversee the online marketing strategy for their organisation. They plan and execute digital (including email) marketing campaigns and design, maintain and supply content for the organisation's website(s).