PRIVATE VIEW: Larry Barker, the creative director of BMP DDB

I've a horrible feeling I'm going off advertising. Either that, or there really is nothing good out there. This week's bunch doesn't clarify the issue much, either way. In the main, commendable. On the whole, boring.

Yorkie, apparently, isn't for girls. Nor is it for queens. Confusing, as that seemed to be the sole target market for the old "trucker

ads.

Some big, bold "postery

headlines and a packshot the size of a planet.

Can't imagine they took a great deal of selling.

It's a good product though, and sometimes all you need to do is remind the punter that it exists. Which these do.

The Egg ads raise a smile, mainly because, in homage to the US-style ads these clearly would love to be, they spend all the time dramatising the negative. The brand is represented by a tedious set of titles that rattle on about ... well, I can't remember, actually. So two ads for the price of one. Shame the client gets the boring one.

We pay yet another visit to the Theatre of Cruelty for the Quorn executions. These days, if you can be nasty to kids or pensioners you're on a winning ticket. I don't need to tell you how they're shot. Yup. That's right.

God knows what the strategy is here. Are old people's homes known for the quality of their food? Are they trying to reassure guilt-ridden vegans that there actually is some goodness in this muck? Good to see they've dropped the old "produced from a kind of small mushroom" descriptor. I'd rather have a small mushroom.

Prime contender for the Belford & Roberts "Are You Sure?

Award goes to Carrick.

Now, along with Scottish health clubs, ads for jewellers normally only ever appear in D&AD Annuals. So it was no surprise to find that this is a Scottish jeweller (by the way, could whoever did these ads sort out their website? It sucks, big time). The campaign is sweet, nicely drawn and will amuse its target.

I'm sure these ran. It's just the last time I tried to get the line "Holy Mother of Christ

through I was cruelly re-buffed.

Hurrah! KP McCoy's has a strategy at its heart. Boo! They're not brilliantly shot.

Still, the thought of positioning the brand in the pub - where a crisp is truly put through its paces - is strong. I like the fact that the crisp is given the same reverence as the pint. And it's true. With the Chicken Chilli Masala still a good five hours away, you need a snack of substance.

I'm normally a Walkers man, but in my cups only the sheer density of a McCoy's will do. Stick with this. It's a rich seam.

Finally, Zurich. I can imagine the glee as those minxes at Campaign stuck this one in the envelope.

Having already won the "Worst use of Peter O'Toole

Award, this bunch of, presumably Swiss, financiers blunder on with their contender for "Worst use of Visual Metaphor". They've plumped for flying pigs - a brave choice - and boy have they gone to town.

Babe-esque footage leads to the inevitable climax. Three plastic pigs flying through the air. It must have cost a fortune.

OK, so they're made of money. But there's no need to waste it in such a public way.

Someone (it was me, actually) once described international advertising as something that doesn't make any sense in several languages.

Please tell me we can do better than this.

Till we meet again.