Private View: Larry Barker

The way I see it, I have several options here.

First, in a spirit of "not-biting-the-hand-that-feeds-you", I could be unremittingly smarmy about all the work, in the hope that, once suitably buttered up, the agencies will be queuing up to give us briefs.

On the other hand, a sound slagging might shake them into action, forcing them to reappraise the whole agency structure and bring in some outside talent, thus breaking with centuries of tradition.

Yeah, right.

So, this is the plan. Where most contributors to this column tell us what they would have done, I'm going to tell you what we would have charged.

So, for all those who say you can't put a price on creativity, here goes.

The John West "wave" poster is OK - it just seems like a bit of a backward step. Plus, I would like to know where else fish are meant to come from, if not straight from the sea (I know, direct to the boat blah, blah, blah - but it doesn't say that, does it?). Best will in the world, a morning's work - £1,000 (Come on, there are two of us!).

Bartle Bogle Hegarty is very good at making things look lovely. Never been much cop at making them look tasty, though. And that's my problem with the beautifully executed Robinson's work. Great music, lovely animation.

Fancy an orange squash on the strength of it? Probably not. Two days, but that's just to source the animation technique - £4k.

John Webster in singing animals shock! Well, at least he's consistent.

The Tropicana parrots could well be a property but, like the Budweiser Lizards, they need to stop singing and get funny, pronto, otherwise it might all wear a little thin. The other danger is that anyone who knows the original song will inevitably substitute the word Coca-Cola for Tropicana.

Not probably part of PepsiCo's game plan, that. Idea £2k, animal training - well, how can you put a price on a dancing parrot?

More bloody soft drinks now (has someone been talking to my doctor?) in the shape of Sprite. What is it with little monsters, these days? There's the disturbing literacy gremlin, that blue furry thing you're meant to feed yogurt, and now this. As a branding device, faultless, and, to the gastronomically impaired youth of Britain, as good a reason to drink the stuff as anything else. £4,000 - but that's pushing it, considering they probably had this idea before the brief even turned up.

Renault has an ad for a car that thinks it's a dog.

What it has, in fact, is a dog that thinks it's an ad. Demand a full refund.

Finally, Bupa, and the only campaign to which I could hold up my invoice with pride. There's an idea here that taps into the way people feel about private health. It has taken what was a distress purchase - ie. insurance - and turned it into a sort of "patient power", where members not only get the treatment, but the rights and respect they deserve as well - things people feel they won't get from an overstretched, underfunded NHS. The lines are OK, so is the art direction, but it's the territory and the tone it allows the brand to occupy that's truly powerful. And that's worth ten grand of anyone's money.

So have I overcharged or undercharged? What is a good idea worth? And, more importantly, how much does a bad one end up costing you?

All depends whether you're buying or selling, I suppose.

Love and kisses.

BUPA

Project: Bupa corporate campaign

Client: Simon Sheard, marketing director

Brief: Reinforce the fundamental benefits of private healthcare and

private health insurance in particular

Agency: WCRS

Writer: Steve Little

Art director: Andy Dibb

Photographer: Nick Georghiou

Typographer: Doug Foreman

Exposure: National press and 48- and 96-sheet posters

TROPICANA

Project: "Nothing added, nothing taken away"

Client: Caroline Diamond, marketing director, PepsiCo UK

Brief: Build on Tropicana's pure and natural positioningand extend the

use of the strapline: "Nothing added, nothing taken away"

Agency: DDB London

Writer: John Webster

Art director: John Webster

Director: Mick Rudman

Production company: Park Village

Exposure: National TV

COCA-COLA

Project: "Get the right Sprite"

Clients: Julia Goldin, marketing director; Dave Tucker, director, youth

& adult brands

Brief: Reaffirm Sprite as a seriously thirst-quenching soft drink

Agency: Lowe

Writers: Richard Littler, Zac Ellis

Art directors: Richard Littler, Zac Ellis

Director: Henrick at Acne

Production company: Outsider

Exposure: National TV

RENAULT

Project: Renault Scenic

Client: Chris White, manager, communications planning

Brief: Position the new Scenic as a catalyst to lead more active lives

Agency: Publicis

Writer: Adam Kean

Art director: Alex Taylor

Director: Danny Kleinman

Production company: Large Corp

Exposure: Terrestrial and satellite TV

ROBINSON'S

Project: Masterbrand

Client: Jonathan Gatward, brand controller

Brief: Associate Robinson's with brightening up everyday moments

Agency: Bartle Bogle Hegarty

Writer: Matt Kemsley

Art director: Rosie Arnold

Director: Scott Pleydell Pearce

Production company: Aardman Animations

Exposure: National TV

JOHN WEST

Project: "wave"

Client: Jane Hilton, consumer marketing manager

Brief: Remind consumers of John West's commitment to sourcing only the

best fish for its cans

Agency: Leo Burnett

Writers: Nick Pringle, Clark Edwards

Art directors: Nick Pringle, Clark Edwards

Photographer: Mark Polyblank

Typographer: Mark Cakebread

Exposure: National press

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Digital marketing executives oversee the online marketing strategy for their organisation. They plan and execute digital (including email) marketing campaigns and design, maintain and supply content for the organisation's website(s).