First, in a spirit of "not-biting-the-hand-that-feeds-you", I could be unremittingly smarmy about all the work, in the hope that, once suitably buttered up, the agencies will be queuing up to give us briefs.
On the other hand, a sound slagging might shake them into action, forcing them to reappraise the whole agency structure and bring in some outside talent, thus breaking with centuries of tradition.
So, this is the plan. Where most contributors to this column tell us what they would have done, I'm going to tell you what we would have charged.
So, for all those who say you can't put a price on creativity, here goes.
The John West "wave" poster is OK - it just seems like a bit of a backward step. Plus, I would like to know where else fish are meant to come from, if not straight from the sea (I know, direct to the boat blah, blah, blah - but it doesn't say that, does it?). Best will in the world, a morning's work - £1,000 (Come on, there are two of us!).
Bartle Bogle Hegarty is very good at making things look lovely. Never been much cop at making them look tasty, though. And that's my problem with the beautifully executed Robinson's work. Great music, lovely animation.
Fancy an orange squash on the strength of it? Probably not. Two days, but that's just to source the animation technique - £4k.
John Webster in singing animals shock! Well, at least he's consistent.
The Tropicana parrots could well be a property but, like the Budweiser Lizards, they need to stop singing and get funny, pronto, otherwise it might all wear a little thin. The other danger is that anyone who knows the original song will inevitably substitute the word Coca-Cola for Tropicana.
Not probably part of PepsiCo's game plan, that. Idea £2k, animal training - well, how can you put a price on a dancing parrot?
More bloody soft drinks now (has someone been talking to my doctor?) in the shape of Sprite. What is it with little monsters, these days? There's the disturbing literacy gremlin, that blue furry thing you're meant to feed yogurt, and now this. As a branding device, faultless, and, to the gastronomically impaired youth of Britain, as good a reason to drink the stuff as anything else. £4,000 - but that's pushing it, considering they probably had this idea before the brief even turned up.
Renault has an ad for a car that thinks it's a dog.
What it has, in fact, is a dog that thinks it's an ad. Demand a full refund.
Finally, Bupa, and the only campaign to which I could hold up my invoice with pride. There's an idea here that taps into the way people feel about private health. It has taken what was a distress purchase - ie. insurance - and turned it into a sort of "patient power", where members not only get the treatment, but the rights and respect they deserve as well - things people feel they won't get from an overstretched, underfunded NHS. The lines are OK, so is the art direction, but it's the territory and the tone it allows the brand to occupy that's truly powerful. And that's worth ten grand of anyone's money.
So have I overcharged or undercharged? What is a good idea worth? And, more importantly, how much does a bad one end up costing you?
All depends whether you're buying or selling, I suppose.
Love and kisses.
Project: Bupa corporate campaign
Client: Simon Sheard, marketing director
Brief: Reinforce the fundamental benefits of private healthcare and
private health insurance in particular
Writer: Steve Little
Art director: Andy Dibb
Photographer: Nick Georghiou
Typographer: Doug Foreman
Exposure: National press and 48- and 96-sheet posters
Project: "Nothing added, nothing taken away"
Client: Caroline Diamond, marketing director, PepsiCo UK
Brief: Build on Tropicana's pure and natural positioningand extend the
use of the strapline: "Nothing added, nothing taken away"
Agency: DDB London
Writer: John Webster
Art director: John Webster
Director: Mick Rudman
Production company: Park Village
Exposure: National TV
Project: "Get the right Sprite"
Clients: Julia Goldin, marketing director; Dave Tucker, director, youth
& adult brands
Brief: Reaffirm Sprite as a seriously thirst-quenching soft drink
Writers: Richard Littler, Zac Ellis
Art directors: Richard Littler, Zac Ellis
Director: Henrick at Acne
Production company: Outsider
Exposure: National TV
Project: Renault Scenic
Client: Chris White, manager, communications planning
Brief: Position the new Scenic as a catalyst to lead more active lives
Writer: Adam Kean
Art director: Alex Taylor
Director: Danny Kleinman
Production company: Large Corp
Exposure: Terrestrial and satellite TV
Client: Jonathan Gatward, brand controller
Brief: Associate Robinson's with brightening up everyday moments
Agency: Bartle Bogle Hegarty
Writer: Matt Kemsley
Art director: Rosie Arnold
Director: Scott Pleydell Pearce
Production company: Aardman Animations
Exposure: National TV
Client: Jane Hilton, consumer marketing manager
Brief: Remind consumers of John West's commitment to sourcing only the
best fish for its cans
Agency: Leo Burnett
Writers: Nick Pringle, Clark Edwards
Art directors: Nick Pringle, Clark Edwards
Photographer: Mark Polyblank
Typographer: Mark Cakebread
Exposure: National press