Now, I can't help feeling someone involved in the new McDonald's ad must have toyed with such a sign during the making of its airport extravaganza.
An airport? I've been punched repeatedly by a woman at an airport. I've had a gun pulled on me in an airport. Airports are heavy with fear, loss, disappointment and unfeasible Toblerone. And, to be fair, McDonald's doesn't shrink from this. Beneath the jolly veneer of lissom stewardesses lurk all the usual horrors: psychotic baggage truck drivers, uncrossable lines of school children and patronising check-in staff wearing Eddie Izzard's make-up. The hero isn't even going in - he's frog-marched through the doors by the trolley dollies. And all this to tell us that there are a few things on offer for a quid this week. Finally, our man's bundled out of the door, looking as baffled as we are, and he's in Alaska. What in heaven's name is going on?
No such mysteries bewitch us in the Home Office's recruitment ad for special constables.
Instead of the nation's heroes telling us they couldn't stomach a job in the force, a rather awkward copper tells us he couldn't cope with the two jobs a special does. It's, well, that, really.
Direct Line has produced another ad with the breezy, devil-may-care that can cram a whole brief into 30 seconds of nonsense while raising sales and goading columns like this. I have never met the boss of Direct Line, but I suspect he shares the views of the chief executive of another "bad" advertiser who recently told our chairman that it was odd, but the agency people who were most sniffy about his ads always seemed to have so many fewer Bentleys and helicopters than he did.
The most under-rated copywriter's art is the ability to write those snappy lines on film posters which sum up a movie in a phrase and make you want to go. For Dirty Harry, it was: "You don't assign Harry Callaghan to a murder case, you turn him loose." The trails for the new BBC1 series, Hustle, show how easy it isn't with stuff such as: "Albert, he'll show you the bait and once you're hooked he'll reel you in."
It's a relief to encounter more vigorous prose, such as "Cauliflower-like lumps on your anus", in the mock Valentine's Day cards for the Department of Health aimed at improving the sexual health of our youth. The campaign is delivered with well-judged humour and is up there with the recent fat-clogged arteries anti-smoking ad as an outstanding attempt to reach the unreachable audience.
Finally, and with wretched coincidence, I unwrapped the press ads written to raise money for the Marie Curie nurses. They feature people dying of cancer, surrounded by their family and friends, a month after my dear old father did just that. What can I say but I hope they work, and I miss him.
DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH
Project: Adult Sexual Health
Client: Karen Gregory, senior marketing communications manager
Brief: Exploit the tactical opportunity of Valentine's Day to make young
adults aware of the risks of STIs and encourage condom usage
Agency: Delaney Lund Knox Warren & Partners
Writer: Jon Elsom
Art director: Ken Sara
Typographers: Andy Dymock, Guy Sexty
Photographer: Paul Bevitt
Exposure: National press, washroom posters
Project: Brand campaign
Clients: Jim Wallace, retail marketing director; Guy Hedger, marketing
Brief: Make Direct Line the number-one front-of-mind brand when getting
an insurance quote
Agency: Mortimer Whittaker O'Sullivan
Writer: Leigh Wallace
Art director: Neale Horrigan
Director: Gerald McMorrow
Production company: Tomboy Films
Exposure: National TV
Project: Police recruitment
Client: Malcolm Lemmer, senior campaign manager, COI Communications
Brief: Drive recruitment of special constables and make the public
respect the job they do
Agency: M&C Saatchi
Writer: Simon Dicketts
Art director: Fergus Flemming
Director: Malcolm Venville
Production company: Therapy Films
Exposure: National TV
MARIE CURIE CANCER CARE
Client: Chris Dainty, director of PR and marketing
Brief: Support the charity's biggest fundraising period of the year
Agency: Maher Bird Associates
Writer: Simon Davenport
Art director: Martin Pierson
Typographer: James Edwards
Photographer: Enda Bowe
Exposure: National press
Project: Pound Saver Menu launch
Client: Nathalie Bar, brand manager
Brief: Relaunch the McDonald's value-for-money menu
Agency: Leo Burnett
Writers: Angus Macadam, Paul Jordan, Trevor Webb
Art directors: Angus Macadam, Paul Jordan, Trevor Webb
Director: Paul Hunter
Production company: Exposure Films
Exposure: National TV
Client: Christine Madden, head of marketing, BBC1
Brief: Get people to make an appointment to view Hustle, a new six-part
drama on BBC1
Agency: Abbott Mead Vickers BBDO
Writer: Derek Apps
Art director: Tom Notman
Director: Ron Scapello
Production company: The Moving Picture Company