PRIVATE VIEW: Martin Galton, a creative partner at Hooper Galton

Paul Briginshaw - you bastard.

Having just seen this week's candidates for Private View, I now know why you phoned in sick, thus postponing your turn in the hot seat. Campaign didn't fall for it, by the way, but I did, which is why I'm here at the 11th hour faced with a pile of work, which is giving off a distinct whiff of faecal matter.

But wait! After my last go, the editor asked if I could be more constructive in my criticism next time. Trouble is, I come from the Tim Delaney school of constructive criticism: "It's shit. You're fired." So, with time not on my side, if it's all right with you, I've asked the good people of Hooper Galton to help me be a bit more constructive about this week's work.

First up is a commercial for Autoglass in which a man discovers a tiny crack in his windscreen. Foolishly leaving it unchecked, the crack grows and grows. It follows him down the street and into the Eastern Bloc equivalent of the London Underground, where it tries to mess up his life. So far, so like Spurs - 3-0 up and cruising. We're all enjoying it. Until the Autoglass logo appears and, as one, we all think: what's that doing there?

Have we slipped into another commercial without realising (which wouldn't be the first time)? The problem is, this film seems inappropriate for Autoglass. Now you may think this is institutionalised brand racism at its ugliest, but really, it's like seeing your grandad giving it 100 per cent at the Ministry of Sound: he's got every right to be there, but somehow he's totally out of place. Well, that's the constructive view of the assembled crowd anyway - as is the fact that the film is undoubtedly very nicely made.

Next, a series of television ads for Camelot's EuroMillions game featuring a desert island, Robinson Crusoe and a simple message: "There is something different about Friday" (hmm, this idea could easily go either way). Man Friday's numbers have come up on EuroMillions and he's flashing the cash. Meanwhile, poor old Robbo just keeps playing and losing week in, week out. Just like the rest of us, really. It's populist stuff and everyone here thinks it will be highly effective, especially with £17 billion behind it.

When I watch the Samsung commercial, it makes me consider my life. I work my nuts off during the day and cycle home through the traffic at night, just trying to stay alive. When I get home, my two young boys think it's really funny to jump off the back of the sofa on to my head. And all the while my lovely wife yearns for me to cherish her more. So I tend to believe that the groovy young things who go out to clubs to drink and dance and play with their Samsung mobile phones with built-in flash before retiring for tantric sex must be happier than me. But apparently they're not. In this ad, they're permanently bored and quite probably depressed. The constructive view from the panel: pan-global adwank.

The McCain "chin up" campaign gets the thumbs up from most people. The latest offering features the everyday story of a beautiful woman in a skimpy, summery dress cooking sausages and chips in her caravan. She carries the lovingly prepared food across the fields in her wellies (on a summer's day - nice touch, enjoyed by all), then lowers the plate down a well where a bloke tastes a chip and shows his appreciation. Eh?!

Then comes a sweet press idea for Babybel Light. I specifically use the word "sweet" because that's how everyone described these ads. No headlines or copy needed. Just nicely shot pictures suggesting "thin mice" - that's it. Sweet. Someone said: "I don't want to like them, but I do." Which roughly translates as: "They're spot on and they will probably be very effective." Personally, I put "sweet" in the same category as "nice".

Finally, Mattesson Turkey Rashers. Paul Briginshaw - you bastard.

CAMELOT

Project: EuroMillions

Client: Jo Kenrick, director of marketing and communications

Brief: Communicate that EuroMillions is big, different and on a Friday

Agency: Abbott Mead Vickers BBDO

Writer: Mark Fairbanks

Art director: Peter Souter

Director: Paul Weiland

Production company: The Paul Weiland Film Company

Exposure: National TV

BABYBEL

Project: Mini Babybel

Client: Rosie Tapp, marketing director

Brief: Mini Babybel Light - at last, permission to snack

Agency: Saatchi & Saatchi

Writer: Joel Bradley

Art director: Phil Clarke

Typographer: Alex Normanton

Photographer: Chippy Tiffany

Exposure: Men's Fitness

MATTESSON

Project: Mattesson Turkey Rashers

Client: Toby Langton, marketing controller

Brief: Position Mattesson Turkey Rashers as the latest A-list must-have

product and highlight that it only contains 2 per cent fat

Agency: Quiet Storm

Writer: Becky Clarke

Art director: Trevor Robinson

Typographer: Kerve Designs

Photographer: Sandro Hyams

Exposure: National press and postcards

AUTOGLASS

Project: Cracks catch up with you

Client: Jane Wiley, marketing director

Brief: Highlight the danger to motorists of driving with a damaged

windscreen

Agency: HHCL/Red Cell

Writers: Lee Tan and Jonathan Thake

Art directors: Lee Tan and Jonathan Thake

Director: Daniel Levi

Production company: Independent Films

Exposure: National TV

SAMSUNG

Project: Samsung X600 "night creatures"

Client: CR Jeon, overseas marketing strategy group, mobile

communications division

Brief: Launch the X600 as the first mobile phone in Europe with

integrated flash

Agency: FCB Europe

Writer: Robert Mitchell

Art directors: Roxanna Bianco and Claus Steffen Braun

Director: Federico Brugia

Production company: The Family

Exposure: European, Asian and Australasian TV

MCCAIN

Project: McCain Home Fries

Client: Simon Eyles, marketing controller

Brief: The best-tasting chip around

Agency: TBWA\London

Writer: Trevor Beattie

Art director: Bil Bungay

Director: Toby MacDonald

Production company: The Paul Weiland Film Company

Exposure: National TV

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Digital marketing executives oversee the online marketing strategy for their organisation. They plan and execute digital (including email) marketing campaigns and design, maintain and supply content for the organisation's website(s).