Private view

Eeek-a-mouse, it’s Hallowe’en. The spookiest, creepiest, scariest night of the year. Am I afraid? Not on your nelly. I’m scared of nothing, me. I drink tap water. I eat white sliced bread. But if I happened to be a French exchange student called Sebastien, I’d probably be pooping my pantaloons, Hallowe’en or no Hallowe’en.

Eeek-a-mouse, it’s Hallowe’en. The spookiest, creepiest, scariest night

of the year. Am I afraid? Not on your nelly. I’m scared of nothing, me.

I drink tap water. I eat white sliced bread. But if I happened to be a

French exchange student called Sebastien, I’d probably be pooping my

pantaloons, Hallowe’en or no Hallowe’en.



Why? Because I’d have just upset Big Ray Gardner, senior sales executive

for Blackcurrant Tango. Big mistake, Sebastien. Big bloke, Ray Gardner

(I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buddha).



The net result of Ray’s raised ire is the TV commercial of the year: the

finest monologue this side of Henry V, the largest shorts all sides of

George Foreman and the sort of soundtrack that’ll have Johnny French

quaking in his fancy loafers. Let’s hope Big Ray takes his crusade to

the stage of the Grosvenor House Hotel to personally collect the huge

pile of trophies he has coming to him in ’97. Bet you don’t like the

taste of humble pie either, do you Sebastien?



Up until its bloody daft ending, the Audi A3 ad gave me the willies.

And, appropriate as that may seem for Ghoulies Night, I have to say the

willies are something I have no intention of ever receiving, thank you.

This is a Boddingtons film without the accents. How they resisted the

temptation to have the driver blurting out: ‘Aye up, chuck. Call that a

helmet?’, I’ll never know.



Following the boy Hurford’s magnificent Galaxy van commercial for Young

and Rubicam last year, it seems that Ford advertising is finally being

decriminalised. I remember the days when possession of a rough-cut for a

Focus on Ford infomercial carried a five-year stretch. (Pity they’ve

rescinded the death penalty for dealers, though.) If this ’ere Lily

Savage Ford Escort ad is anything to go by, the rehabilitation is

continuing apace at Ogilvy and Mather as well. Do sort out your endline

though, won’t you, lads? Moira got there years ago.



Kids. Why is it that whenever I write this column I get children? I’ve

tried wearing a condom over me Pentel, but to no avail. More bloody

sprogs. This week’s new heads on the block come courtesy of Tesco. Sure

enough, they’re adver-children and consequently bear no resemblance

whatsoever to their wailing, dribbling, noisy, real-life counterparts.

And, much as I like the headlines, I’m baffled as to why yet another art

director has fallen for the archaic ‘kiddies’ handwritten back-to-front-

back-to-skool style of typography. If that idea comes in my back garden

again, I’ll burst it.



And another thing. Why do kids always ask why? It’s never who, what,

when or how, is it?



Always ‘why?’ I witnessed a young mother being mercilessly interrogated

on the bus recently. ‘Why are we going to the park?’ ‘To feed the

ducks.’ ‘Why?’ ‘Because they’re hungry.’ ‘Why?’ ‘Why what?’ ‘Why are

the ducks hungry?’ ‘Because they are.’ ‘Why?’



After a good ten minutes of this quality banter, came the denouement.

‘Mummy?’ Pause for effect, ‘Why is a tree?’ (One passenger committed

suicide, the rest of us held our breath.) Why is a TREE? Why is a bloody

TREE? What do you do when your beloved offspring turns into a cross

between Jean-Paul Sartre and the captain of Manchester United? Buy him

some Play-Doh, I suppose. He might get his own double-page spread in

Parenting. These are great. Big, bold, bright, colourful postery sort of

press ads. And not a back-to-front R in sight. Why can’t all kids’ ads

be this good? Why, why, why?



Finally, here’s a fashion tip for autumn. Stop wearing brown. All of

you. Stop it now. It’s not cool, it’s not clever and it doesn’t make you

look big. It makes you look...brown.



Ahhh Bisto. Oh. Julie Walters. Why is Julie Walters?



Trevor Beattie is the creative director of TBWA



Tesco stores



Project: Kids’ clothing

Clients: Helen McCarthy, marketing controller, John Leaman, product

manager

Brief: Take the ‘every little helps’ attitude into kids’ clothing

Agency: Lowe Howard-Spink

Writer: Damien Keene

Art director: Don Barclay

Photographer: Frank Herholdt

Typographer: Simon Warden

Exposure: National posters



Ford



Project: Escort

Client: Paul Philpot, brand manager

Brief: Show that the Ford Escort is as individual as the customer

Agency: Ogilvy and Mather

Writer: Mick French

Art director: Henry Rossiter

Directors: Paul Gay, Steve Reeves

Production company: Blink

Exposure: National TV



Britvic Soft Drinks



Project: Blackcurrant Tango

Clients: David Atter, marketing manager, Jeremy Crisp, senior brand

manager

Brief: Communicate the ‘charge’ of real blackcurrants in Blackcurrant

Tango

Agency: Howell Henry Chaldecott Lury

Project team: Chas Bayfield, Jim Bolton, David O’Hanlon, Minnie Moll

Director: Colin Gregg

Production company: Eclipse

Exposure: National TV



Bisto Foods



Project: Bisto

Client: Ian Ayling, marketing controller

Brief: Extend usage of Bisto into mid-week meals and launch ready-to-

pour Bisto

Agency: Abbott Mead Vickers BBDO

Writer: Mary Wear

Art director: Damon Collins

Director: Theo Delaney

Production company: Tomboy Films

Exposure: National TV



Audi UK



Project: Audi A3

Client: Neil Burrows, head of marketing

Brief: Show that the Audi is the sports hatchback for people with

nothing to prove

Agency: Bartle Bogle Hegarty

Writer: Roger Beckett

Art director: Andy Smart

Director: Danny Kleinman

Production company: Limelight

Exposure: National TV



Hasbro



Project: Play-Doh

Client: Sarah Olsen, marketing manager

Brief: Revive interest in Play-Doh

Agency: BST-BDDP

Writer: Tom Hudson

Art directors: Martin Galton, Gary Denham

Photographer: Laurence Haskell

Exposure: National magazines



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1 Job description: Digital marketing executive

Digital marketing executives oversee the online marketing strategy for their organisation. They plan and execute digital (including email) marketing campaigns and design, maintain and supply content for the organisation's website(s).