PRIVATE VIEW

What in the world possesses a human being to want to become a

chiropodist? According to the Department of Trade and Industry, it's the

little-known fact that you get four weeks paid annual leave. Hence this

funky little film about a flabby white foot fixer jauntily returning

from his hols so refreshed that he's openly relishing the chance to

spend the next 48 consecutive weeks of his life with his face buried in

some flatulent pensioner's weeping pustulous bunions. Each to his

own.



'Check this!' cries the Goldie-cum-Craig Davidy soundalikey from AKA

Science. 'Must I?' thinks I. Now, apparently, sounds are pressure

changes which travel through a variety of visual special effects and

into a computer-generated recreation of the inner ear, before arriving

post-haste at your local dance hall queen's winin' batty. It's a sort of

Tomorrow's World versus Hard House with an eardrum 'n' bass vibe on a

(science) council tip. And I'm none the wiser for having checked it.



I was a catalogue kid, you know. Clothed and raised with the contents of

Littlewoods and Grattan's. Many's the happy hour I'd spend thumbing

through the glossy pages of their mighty tomes: gents in polyester

pointing purposefully into the middle distance ... ladies of a certain

age in strangely arousing 18-hour girdles. (What did they wear for the

other six hours?) And unimaginably high-tech devices such as the

Moulinex Magi-Mix and the stereo radio-cassette player.



What I'd have given back then for a trendy TV ad campaign, with a

flibberly flobberly visual mnemonic device, natty 'Littlewoods would'

catchphrase, cyberspace age website address and relaxed, understated

representation of a multicultural Britain at the start of the 21st

century. I had to make do with a photograph of Lulu bent double in a

pair of brown rayon slacks.



So there's this bloke. He's got a regular-sized Toffee Crisp Coconut in

his hand and a giant family sized bar glued to the back of his

jumper.



He's taken a huge bite out of said exotic countline brand extension and

stone me if his blinking head hasn't turned into a coconut. Could

happen.



And what certainly will happen is that on seeing this poster, choc

scoffers like myself will race out and buy the bloody thing in our

droves. (I often go shopping in my droves when my big pink shopping

pants are in the wash.)



I love Radio Five Live. And while these commercials don't quite capture

its bonkers cocktail of news, sport and genuine eccentricity, they don't

dampen my desire to wake up with Victoria Derbyshire, either.



I've often said that the average car client wouldn't recognise a good

idea if he came home and found his wife in bed with one. Unfortunately,

the current alarming crop of vehicular perpendiculars adorning our

nation's boulevards does little to dispel my theory.



You know it's a car poster when: you see an unfeasibly large photograph

of an invariably silver vehicle crammed so tightly into a rectangle that

there's barely enough room for the inevitably lame headline; the body of

the car in question is held in pin-sharp stationary focus while its

polished alloy wheel hubs are an inexplicably furious blur; and the only

thing differentiating it from the car ad next door is a barely

identifiable logo in the bottom right-hand corner, which the art

director has succeeded in making 10 per cent smaller.



This is not Saab's fault. Any more than it's Renault's, Lexus's or

Hyundai's. It's yours. Ours. And if you tolerate this, then your ad will

be next.



BBC

Project: BBC Radio Five Live

Client: Steve Conway, marketing manager

Brief: Raise awareness of Five Live's exclusive coverage of all the

games in the Premiership

Agency: BBC Corporate Creative Services

Writer: Ruth Shabi

Art director: Anton Ezer

Director: Tim Pope

Production company: BBC Corporate Creative Services

Exposure: BBC television

DFEE/COI COMMUNICATIONS

Project: Science Year

Client: Amanda Thomas, group head, COI

Brief: Get ten- to 15-year-olds interested in science

Agency: Abbott Mead Vickers BBDO

Writer: Dave Sullivan

Art director: Tom Ewart

Director: Marc Caro

Production company: Premiere Heure

Exposure: National TV

SAAB

Project: Saab 9-3 Convertible

Client: Parveen Batish, general manager of marketing

Brief: Position the Saab 9-3 as the ultimate winter convertible

Agency: Lowe Lintas

Creative team: Uche Ezugwu and Sami Lill

Photographer: Paul Bevitt

Typographer: Lynne McIntosh

Exposure: Nationwide 48- and 96-sheet posters, press

NESTLE ROWNTREE

Project: Toffee Crisp Coconut

Client: Tomas Vesely, brand manager

Brief: Launch the new Coconut variety of the crisped rice and

toffee-filled chocolate bar

Agency: Roose & Partners

Writers: Matt Bartley and Guy Gumm

Art directors: Matt Bartley and Guy Gumm

Photographer: Paul Bussell

Typographer: Harry Turner

Exposure: Nationwide posters

LITTLEWOODS

Project: Littlewoods brand building

Client: Susan Murray, group marketing director

Brief: Force a re-evaluation of Littlewoods and the many ways and

advantages of shopping with them by demonstrating how other retailers

simply couldn't or wouldn't do what Littlewoods would

Agency: HHCL & Partners

Writer: Suzy Warren

Art director: Georg Thesman

Director: David Hartley

Production company: Brave Films

Exposure: Granada, Tyne Tees

DTI/COI COMMUNICATIONS

Project: Paid Annual Leave

Client: n/s

Brief: Raise awareness of four weeks PAL entitlement for full- and

part-time workers

Agency: Ogilvy & Mather

Writer: Sue Higgs

Art director: Sue Higgs

Director: Chris Palmer

Production company: Gorgeous

Exposure: National TV



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