The Work: Private view

CREATIVE - Ben Walker, creative director, Wieden & Kennedy

Apparently I wasn't hard enough last time.

"Didn't ruffle enough feathers," they said.

Well, I aim to please.

I'll try not to swear.

OK, well let's start with Ford Kuga (4). What a load of fucking nonsense. Girl wakes up and goes outside to find the whole world is white. Why? Because "what if we all had a blank canvas?" Then this blue car goes rolling by. Don't get me wrong, it's all nicely conceived and shot; I grant you that. Nice music, too. But the problem here is it's an ad for a Ford. Why on earth should I believe all this blank-canvas stuff when the brand has absolutely no meaning to me whatsoever any more? If I was in the market for a reasonably priced car, I may look at a Volkswagen, or a Skoda at a push. Of course, then I'd make the discerning choice and buy a Honda. But a Ford? I'd have to have given up on life itself to choose one of those. They need to do some stuff which explains why they exist, because I haven't the foggiest.

On to the Carlsberg (5) ad. Blokes play football, score a goal then embark on an outlandish celebration. Brick. Aim. TV. John Lewis. New TV. I'm billing Campaign for that. Hackneyed. Turgid. A universe away from that "Old Lions" stuff. Make mine a Carling top (Southern Jess and proud).

Frankly, you couldn't have got a more targeted ad than that for the Department of Health's (3) alcohol-awareness campaign. I binge-drink. All the time. I know, I know, if I do it all the time then technically I can't be binging. And that's how I've been squaring it for the past 25 years, thank you very much. This ad told me something new. Made me think a little. I liked it rather a lot. But then I was shitfaced when I watched it.

The only situation in which I can imagine possibly summoning up the energy to read Bournville's (2) comic-strip press ads is if I was having to do a review of them. So, conscientious chap that I am, I did. It was a waste of life. Not a good waste of life, like watching QPR or The Apprentice. This was pure, unadulterated waste. I almost gave up on life itself and ordered the Ford brochure.

But then I saw this Pretty Polly (6) ad which made me think of sex. Ah, saved. Beautifully shot saucy girl gets dressed inside a giant make-up case. Works for me. Just one quibble. A little more cheek (no, not that sort, there's plenty of that) and wit wouldn't have gone amiss. After all, cheek and wit are what's really sexy, aren't they girls? Aren't they? Girls?

Finally I come to Sony Vaio (1). This website shows an animated film whose first scene was written by John Malkovich. Great. The scenes that follow were all written by members of the general public. Hmmm. It's beautifully animated, but the script is all over the gaff (quelle surprise) and pretty dark, and I was glad when it ended. Also, I have no idea what any of this has to do with a Vaio. Was the film put together entirely on a Vaio? That might have been interesting. I'd have liked to have seen how. Maybe that would have created decent content that is actually about the product. Alas, I think it's just some weird film written in part by Malkovich and in other parts by some right mentalists. To hell with product interrogation. Down the pub by 5.30pm, sorted.

That's it for this week. And if I caned your work, don't sweat it. You're reading the random thoughts of the man who foisted the immortal line "Ooh aah Daily Star" on an unsuspecting public.

Ta ta for now.

DIRECTOR - Fredrik Bond, director, Sonny London

This is my first Private View. I'm excited ... I'm flattered ... and I really hope I am doing it right ... I don't really like criticising other people's work ... that they have given all their time love and devotion to get through ... well ... some people, at least. I respect anything that's out there, even if it might not appeal to me.

Anyway, I am on a long flight, so what else have I got to do aside from getting fat on crisps and watching my seat neighbours. Watch movies, read scripts and doze? Maybe later.

Film-making is what I know, so I start safe and begin with the TV work.

The first film I see is the Ford Kuga (4) spot. I love how this ad starts with the woman waking up and finding that her world has changed outside her window. It's really charming ... and the woman is really pretty. But as I keep watching, I keep looking for that girl. The images are great ... but I was smitten ... There are so many other people in the way ... "Get out of the way," I scream ... I miss that girl! I wish she was chasing the car ... jumping on to the bumper ... ripping the driver out and beating him up like in Grand Theft Auto and then driving off ... spinning doughnuts ... mmmmmm, doughnuts ... But I guess that wouldn't have worked with the BACC ... so I actually really like how it ended up ... and by the way I was actually bidding on this job, but lost it to a Danish man ... which leaves me being just another jealous Swede.

Next, there is a Carlsberg (5) film. This ad makes the point: get pissed, play some footy and fuck about with your mates ... but without being explicit. It's fun. I get it. As short as it is, I think it's pretty good. I know how hard it is to get a story going within that short space of time.

But then I watch the Department of Health's (3) alcohol-awareness ads and they really made me think. They make me feel like I'm in trouble. I need to pay attention. Maybe not now, but potentially later ... probably a good thing. It really made me aware of what the problem is. Most spots on alcohol awareness work on shock value, but this works much better. It makes you think.

The last TV ad is for pretty Pretty Polly (6). Who are those legs belonging to? I'm confused! For a while I'm thinking these are Jenny's (my wife's) legs. I called her ... "No it's not my legs - you know I'm a therapist, not a model." Anyway ... this ad made me really happy.

So, now I am happy and I think maybe I can do the print, too. Comic book-style for Bournville (2) chocolate. This ad makes me smile. I, like, bloody love chocolate. But I'm not entirely sure this is selling chocolate. 'Cause I'd love to eat a chocolate that makes me wanna kiss and not throw up ... normally the amount I eat makes me do that. So to me, this means that one piece is enough and then off snogging. Nice one.

Finally, the Sony Vaio (1) online link. I know this. I have been following this idea since it started with the first John Malkovich script. I fricking love the idea of work online that an audience can not just interact with, but also contribute to. It's a very exciting and beautiful start of something new.

So, all in all, I have really enjoyed my first Private View and it ended up being quite satisfying. I've seen a cute girl disappear into whiteness, got pissed, scored triumphant goals, freaked out about getting pissed, dreamt of my wife's legs, ate chocolate and had a snog. Hope I didn't hurt anybody's feelings ... All in the time it takes to fly from Los Angeles to London.

Bon Voyage!

Project: Online script project animation
Client: Kirsi Stewart, communication manager, Sony Europe
Brief: Draw the online script project to a close by bringing the story
to life online
Agency: Dare
Writer: n/a
Art directors: Matt Firth, Vicky Ghose
Director: n/a
Designer: Laurie J Proud
Production company: Sherbet
Exposure: Online

Project: 100 years of plain good adventures
Client: Sandie Dilger, brand manager, Bournville, Cadbury
Brief: Reignite love for the brand among its core audience, 45+ male
Agency: RPM
Writer: Tim Jones
Art director: Neil Hooper
Illustrator: Keith Page
Production company: n/a
Exposure: National press

Project: Know your limits
Client: Department of Health
Brief: Generate awareness about the number of units in alcoholic drinks
Agency: VCCP
Writer: Siggi Halling
Art director: Tony Hector
Director: Stuart Rideout
Production company: RSA
Exposure: TV, outdoor, press, radio

Project: Blank Canvas
Client: Mark Simpson, director of marketing communications, Ford Europe
Brief: Deliver a pan-European multimedia campaign for the Ford Kuga
Agency: Ogilvy Advertising London and Stockholm
Writers/art directors: Bjorn Persson, Richard Baynham, Paul Miles, Adam
Director: Nicolai Fuglsig
Production company: MJZ
Exposure: TV

Project: Goal Celebration
Client: Darran Britton, marketing director, Carlsberg UK
Brief: Build on Carlsberg's football heritage by writing a
football-focused "World according to Carlsberg" TV ad
Agency: Saatchi & Saatchi London
Writer: Paul Ewen
Art director: Phil Clarke
Director: Daniel Kleinman
Production company: Rattling Stick
Exposure: UK terrestrial and satellite TV

Project: Compact
Client: Sue Clague, commercial director, and Gail Newport, marketing
manager, Pretty Polly
Brief: Launch Pretty Polly's Love Legs cosmetics range
Agency: Beattie McGuinness Bungay
Writer: Julia Martens
Art director: Jade Trott
Directors: Rankin, Chris Cottam
Production company: HSI
Exposure: National TV, cinema