This is how to tell a bad play from a good play. At some point in
the course of a bad play, an affronted character will exclaim: ’What do
you take me for?’ This is often extended to: ’What do you take me for -
a fool?’ Or at peak moments of melodrama: ’What do you take me for - a
whore?’
Tired as it is, it’s a useful line to apply to brands - because brands,
too, make clear and often impertinent assumptions about us and I
wouldn’t like them to think that we haven’t noticed.
To celebrity testimonials I say: ’What do you take me for - a groupie?’
To the lure of cheap gifts I say: ’What do you take me for - a
skinflint?’ And to platinum credit cards I say: ’What do you take me for
- some provincial playboy in tasselled loafers and driving gloves?’
I may, of course, be all of these things. What I object to is the
presumption: the public recognition that that’s what I am. It is
perceptive of the account planner to recognise that the greatest
potential for this new unisex perfume will be among sexually
inexperienced anal retentives; but it is almost certainly a mistake for
such a strategy to show.
We all give much thought to what people think of brands. What brands
think of people is at least as interesting. And what I think brands
think of me plays a very large part in what I think of brands. For
example, I do not warm to brands which appear to think me vain or
profligate or over 65: particularly when I am.
It’s not just their advertising that reveals what they think of us:
their use of promotions is often just as telling.
Most promotions fall neatly into one of two categories: Bribes or
Bonuses.
The Bonus gives me a little something extra, with the expectation that I
will appreciate some token of gratitude for my custom.
The Bribe charges me less, with the expectation that I’ll buy something
I never wanted in the first place because it’s now cheaper. The first
congratulates and flatters me; the second insults me. What do you take
me for - an idiot?
The signal that the Bonus sends out is one of generosity and confidence;
the Bonus enhances the brand. The signal that the Bribe sends out is one
of insecurity and desperation; the Bribe diminishes the brand.
I recently needed a small, pocket-sized stain remover, and there were
two on display on the chemist’s shelf. The first declared itself
effective against gravy stains and the second declared itself effective
against travel stains.
The gravy stain remover took me to be slovenly and gluttonous. The
travel stain remover took me to be a conscientious international
executive. The first took me for a slob and the second for a
sophisticate.
I had, indeed, got gravy on my tie. But guess which one I went for?
Jeremy Bullmore is a non-executive director of the Guardian Media Group
and WPP Group.
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