Tess Alps

Tess Alps



Contact me
My Character:
  • Intellectual
What have you been proudest of this year?

Kohlrabi. First prize-winning in the summer show.

And what's been your biggest disappointment?

The cucumbers were crap.

When was the last time you surprised yourself?

This morning, when I woke up still breathing.

If you could change one thing about the industry at the moment, what would it be (and why)?

Short-termism on almost every front.

How do you get your creative juices flowing?

Solitary confinement.

You're planning a fun night out. Who from the industry would be your (fantasy) playmates (and why)?

Let's be clear, I would never plan a fun night out. My favourite nights are spent at home. Sometimes fun nights happen to me, with my true industry friends, but I don't plan them. But as you are asking me to make fantasy choices, I'd say Caitlin Moran, Paddy McGuinness and Dougal Wilson – for a pub quiz night.

The internet has been banned. What do you miss most (and why)?

I'd have to go back into shops. Urgh.

What's the last Google search you did?

Images of James Norton *blushes*.

The robots are coming. What would you get yours to do for you?

Cleaning the oven and foot massages.

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A doctor, an actor, a missionary, a teacher, an artist, a singer. Apart from the doctoring, I actually get to do a bit of all those, though sadly not all paid for.

All the world's culture (art, music, literature etc) is about to be destroyed. What one thing would you save (and why)?

You evil people. This is impossible. I know I should say Shakespeare but I don't turn to him often. But I listen to Beethoven and Bach every single day. One thing? The St Matthew Passion.

I'm still here because…

Everyone's too polite to tell me to eff off.

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