Well, it wasn’t you, was it?
You weren’t responsible for Boris Johnson now extending his lease on that property at Downing Street?
You could never vote Tory. Lord knows, you’ve been very clear about that on social media. The Tories? They’re all "right-wing scum", aren’t they?
And you were bold enough to say this even though you work in advertising, which, let’s be honest, is about as right-wing as an industry can get. And you didn’t seem to mind that those who saw your posts were laughing out loud at the anomalous dissonance between what you say and what you do.
Advertising may be the capstone of capitalism, but that’s not point, is it? For you, it’s a matter of principle. It’s just a shame your colleagues in advertising don’t seem to have shared your nobility.
They may have talked the talk, but when it came to the crunch, they declined to walk the walk. In the silent solipsism of the voting booth, they revealed their true blue colours. The bastards/traitors/Tory (insert derisive descriptor here).
These cowards were clearly terrified that Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell’s policies would spell disaster for the UK economy and, by extension, the UK advertising industry.
After all, advertising has always reflected and magnified the wider economic picture. Yet surely that’s no reason to vote for a party arguably best-placed to prevent this putative disaster. It was just so selfish of other voters to think primarily of themselves, their colleagues and their families.
Don’t they care about the NHS? You do. Passionately. But is that because you’ve never had to use it? Along with that fat WPP (or is it Omnicom? I can’t remember) pension pot, you also enjoy an all-inclusive Bupa policy. So, unlike some of them, you have actual first-hand experience of what happens when health services are privatised.
These gullible fools clearly fell for all the other rubbish concocted about Corbyn. But that was just one big conspiracy, wasn’t it, propagated by the right-wing media? The same right-wing media whose coffers you boost with your ads that they run on their platforms.
Still, maybe best not to say that you actually voted Labour. Especially with that acrid whiff of antisemitism still hanging around.
You could always say you voted Lib Dems, perhaps adding a little quip about Jo Swinson reminding you of that "nice but hopeless junior client" you once had to work with.
Or what about the Greens? OK, so you know nothing about their economic or foreign policies but, to be fair, neither do they. Thing is, saying you voted Green might make you look a bit… what’s the word… what’s the colour… that means "a bit naïve"?
Shame Lord Buckethead wasn’t standing in your constituency. You could have said you voted for him. #Anyonebutboris, eh?
I’m afraid there’s one thing for it. Get back on social media and denounce those (insert even more vile and vituperative descriptor here) who voted Tory.
And never, ever let on that you were one of them.
Paul Burke is a freelance copywriter and novelist