THE BOOK OF LISTS: BEST DIARY STORIES OF 2001 - Ranting Roberts finds a home online for his 'inspirational' words

19 October, and the website of Saatchis' worldwide boss Kevin

Roberts could be ignored no longer:

Those with shares in the Publicis Group and of a nervous disposition may

wish to look away now. Everyone else who fancies a laugh about the

antics of Saatchi & Saatchi's worldwide boss, Kevin Roberts, should read


He's been hired to be the resident chief executive of the Judge

Institute of Management - yes, folks, it's the business school

affiliated to Cambridge University.

But before the punters at the Institute line up to quiz our man, they

may want to check out some of Kev's ramblings before embarking on a


And where better place to start than his very own website, which

comprises a veritable library of gems. "Take the iMac, the most sensual

product since the dildo," starts one priceless comment. "It absolutely

does not belong to Steve Jobs (Apple's chief executive). It belongs to

me. I want to hold the iMac. I want to choose the flavour of it. I want

to love it. The iMac belongs to me and I get to choose the flavour."

Right. We're also delighted to find out that in Kev's world, diplomacy

is "overrated". And that he loves dreams about "sex and business".

Please stop. Now.

As for Roberts' reactions to the residency at the Judge Institute -

well, if there were Oscars for meaningless management babble, our man

would be sweeping the board of all the trophies. "Inspiration out is, of

course, a direct result of inspiration in. Cambridge University, with

all its aura and traditions, inspires me," he spouts to anyone

unfortunate enough to be in earshot. We're expecting enrolments to


But we shouldn't be surprised - after all, this is the man who sent an

e-mail out to the Saatchi network just after the terrorist attack on New

York containing sentence after sentence of tasteless guff on how "only

by developing and expressing ideas will New York, America and the world

rebuild". He then went on to plug the agency: "Saatchis' people are

passionate, competitive and restless. We are ideas people. We have much

to continue." Strangely, it went down like a lead balloon.