’E-mail is the future of communication.’ ’E-mail is a great
time-saver.’ ’E-mail saves paper and, therefore, helps preserve the
E-mail will, I guarantee, be the downfall of society as we know it.
Don’t ask me when, where or how, but I know that one day, when you’re
having a fag in the smoking room, or in the tiny office kitchen getting
a coffee, the e-meister, as it will be known, will strike and your world
will come crashing to its stinking, corn-riddled feet.
The maths go something like this: employee + computer + ability to talk
to mates all day without anyone knowing = low productivity. Low
productivity x pornography, screensavers + games = naughty boys. Naughty
boys + globally linked networks = world economic meltdown.
Don’t get me wrong, I love e-mail and I’m as guilty - in fact, guiltier
- than the next sorry individual who thinks that adding ’you’ll love
this one!’ makes it alright to send the same joke for the 15th time.
However, there is no escaping the fact that it reduces the amount of
work you do. Business suffers, briefs get piled up, ringbacks get ’lost’
or ’not passed on’ and you have to keep writing lists to remind yourself
of what you’re supposed to do when you’re not e-mailing.
This thing is a virus and it’s spreading fast. People who use e-mail
believe they’re in an exclusive club, those that have it but don’t use
it are scared by it and the poor saps who haven’t got access feel like
the sad old peanut-butter bees left by Noah to drown.
It’s not eco-friendly either. You still print out anything important,
you also print out the gags and then you try to get hard copies of the
pornography/cartoons and end up with reams of white paper saying things
such as, ’Error - printer cannot cope with pictures of people and
I can imagine a scene where a guy with a plate in his mouth is kayaking
down the Amazon, watching another football-field-sized area of forest
being chopped down, thinking to himself, ’Still, at least Adam in media
buying will be able to read his mates the 50 reasons why lager is better
So I warn you now, cut down, change brands to e-mail-lite or, if you’re
really strong-willed, give up.
If nothing else, send me your e-mail address so that I can send you
these great Tommy Cooper quotes!