’E-mail is the future of communication.’ ’E-mail is a great time-saver.’ ’E-mail saves paper and, therefore, helps preserve the environment.’

’E-mail is the future of communication.’ ’E-mail is a great

time-saver.’ ’E-mail saves paper and, therefore, helps preserve the


E-mail will, I guarantee, be the downfall of society as we know it.

Don’t ask me when, where or how, but I know that one day, when you’re

having a fag in the smoking room, or in the tiny office kitchen getting

a coffee, the e-meister, as it will be known, will strike and your world

will come crashing to its stinking, corn-riddled feet.

The maths go something like this: employee + computer + ability to talk

to mates all day without anyone knowing = low productivity. Low

productivity x pornography, screensavers + games = naughty boys. Naughty

boys + globally linked networks = world economic meltdown.

Don’t get me wrong, I love e-mail and I’m as guilty - in fact, guiltier

- than the next sorry individual who thinks that adding ’you’ll love

this one!’ makes it alright to send the same joke for the 15th time.

However, there is no escaping the fact that it reduces the amount of

work you do. Business suffers, briefs get piled up, ringbacks get ’lost’

or ’not passed on’ and you have to keep writing lists to remind yourself

of what you’re supposed to do when you’re not e-mailing.

This thing is a virus and it’s spreading fast. People who use e-mail

believe they’re in an exclusive club, those that have it but don’t use

it are scared by it and the poor saps who haven’t got access feel like

the sad old peanut-butter bees left by Noah to drown.

It’s not eco-friendly either. You still print out anything important,

you also print out the gags and then you try to get hard copies of the

pornography/cartoons and end up with reams of white paper saying things

such as, ’Error - printer cannot cope with pictures of people and


I can imagine a scene where a guy with a plate in his mouth is kayaking

down the Amazon, watching another football-field-sized area of forest

being chopped down, thinking to himself, ’Still, at least Adam in media

buying will be able to read his mates the 50 reasons why lager is better

than girls.’

So I warn you now, cut down, change brands to e-mail-lite or, if you’re

really strong-willed, give up.

If nothing else, send me your e-mail address so that I can send you

these great Tommy Cooper quotes!


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