I’m a big happy brown bear.

I’m a big happy brown bear.

No longer must I search for a small vole or rabbit to wipe my arse with

after evacuating myself in the woods (as us bears are prone to do). No

sir! Not since I’ve discovered new Charmin Ultra.

Its special textured surface means that it retains its strength even

when wet. Which is excellent news for my leathery friend the


His stumpy little limbs are completely free of faeces after a


Mrs Elephant is cheerful too. When she’s caught short on a long trail

she knows she can trust Charmin’s soft yet strong physique to hide her

blushes. Mind you, I dread to think where her trunk has been.

And not forgetting the tree monkeys. They love it! When they’re not

splattering unfortunate woodland creatures and fauna from high branches,

they like nothing more than to praise Charmin for melding two toilet

rolls into one.

’Thank heavens!’ you hear them say. ’That changing the loo roll lark was

becoming a real ball ache.’

My animal friends and I look forward to appearing in future commercials

for other such delicate products. A roller-skating llama perhaps? Or

maybe a smoking beagle?

If not, I have a rather dear baboon friend who’s crying out for a

sponsorship deal with Preparation H.

Keep up the good work! Gggrrrr!!!