Job: Editor, Heat
- You've got five hours left before the world explodes. What do you do?
I'd go to a PC World and ransack the place without fear of rebuke. Then I'd go home, set up my new equipment, establish an internet connection, scan the BBC football website before being consumed by a sense of regret about the amount of my life I've wasted on the BBC football website.
- What's your best joke?
It's one about two beekeepers, one of whom despises bees. But it's really long and I've been told the word count for this is 400 including the questions. So I'll just tell you the punchline, which is "fuck them".
- What's your biggest fear?
- When did you last cry and why?
I am crying right now. Crying in self-disgust.
- Who is your hero?
- Name one thing about yourself that few people know.
Years ago I worked for Gordon Brown when he was still the Shadow Chancellor. Look at us now. I'm not sure which of us is more proud of the other.
- What's the worst thing about your job?
The physical violence.
- What do you see when you look in the mirror?
- Which historical figure do you most identify with, and why?
Winston Churchill, who basically built his reputation on a few good one-liners.
- If you had a trained monkey, what would you make it do?
Write picture captions.
- If your office was burning down, what object would you save and why?
The trained monkey.
- Are you happy?
So happy I could spew.
- What would you do if you were invisible for the day?
Everything exactly the same, only dressed in a smock.
- What's your most evocative childhood memory?
Listening to my brother listening to Blondie.
- What's your most irritating habit?
- What belief do you hold most strongly?
I hold no strong beliefs whatsoever. In fact, I believe strongly in this.
- What's on your iPod most-played list?
Irreplaceable by Beyonce, Fight For This Love by Cheryl Cole and Pop Life by Prince.