Diary: All of Cannes' best bits, and a pair of balls ups

Despite all the excitement of the awards and drunken parties, the most highly anticipated moment of the festival was undoubtedly on Wednesday afternoon, when England took on Slovenia in the (now pointless) Fifa World Cup.

Arrangements had been made weeks and even months in advance, with the hot ticket being Bartle Bogle Hegarty's beach screening. The top brass had been invited, including the festival's advertiser of the year Keith Weed, to enjoy the sun, sea and sloppy defending. But surely a football-related bash always needs one vital ingredient - the channel that the match is being shown on. Just after kick-off, imagine the uproar when it was discovered that the Three Lions match could not be broadcast, with attendees having to endure the USA versus Algeria instead. Cue much embarrassment, and a quick dash to the nearest bar ...

Lobster dinners, magnums of rose, lunch dates at La Colombe D'Or - Cannes is full of delightfully lavish things to blow the agency's budget on. However, those party boys at MCBD managed to go one better, by dashing to the supermarket and coming back with EUR150 worth of plastic ducks. We bet the pool party at the villa that night was a wild one ...

This being Cannes, in among all the serious stuff (seminars, awards) things got very silly - see Richard "camper than a row of tents" Huntington above - particularly in the pants (contents of) department. Warren Moore of CHI demonstrated his skills in the sport of bollock-resting, whereby said genitals are carefully placed on the shoulder of an unsuspecting female. A warning to would-be competitors in this fine event: Moore is a crack opponent.

But perhaps DDB's Jeremy Craigen did have a sound professional excuse for revealing his newly shaven testicles on the Carlton Terrace. His baby-smooth globes were apparently the result of an enthusiastic session with a Philips shaver earlier that day.

While it is unknown whether Craigen's blood alcohol levels were sufficient to dull the pain of any nicks along the way, Diary (and the entire Carlton Terrace) can testify to the closeness of said shave and concludes that the whole affair might have been a bit of cunning product placement. Philips, after all, is a DDB client, and we're sure the marketing team will be pleased with Craigen's dedication to the brand.

Meanwhile, Euro RSCG's peerless Gerry Moira revealed not only an interest in pubic topiary but that he likes to call the Moira tackle Cheryl Cole. However, Diary can confirm that Cheryl Cole was not noticeably present at the Euro lunch on the Ile Sainte-Marguerite, where Moira settled for impressing diners with the size of his jeroboam.

There are, of course, the usual Cannes stories that cannot be told for fear of landing the protagonists in the doo-doo. So we can't possibly tell you about the very big international marketing fromage who chose the Carlton Terrace to, erm, get intimate with the throat of an attractive brunette.

Nor can we possibly reveal the identity of the agency boss who, when introduced to a senior female client, eschewed the traditional handshake and even the Gallic kiss in favour of a masterful grab at her undercarriage that lifted her off her feet. From the look on her face, we're expecting to be reporting on a sizeable account review in the near future.

And we'll leave you to guess who the London agency chief was seen cavorting on the beach with a young woman on Friday night, clearly oblivious to the fact that he was instantly recognisable to any casual passerby.

But Diary can confirm that none of these incidents involved CHI's Johnny Hornby, who - for the first time in quite some time - has managed to avoid an embarrassing entry in our Cannes diary. Sorry.