2. Strictly Come Dancing will announce a surprise replacement for Brucie, who is forced to retire due to enormous wealth. Anxious to avoid accusations of age discrimination, the BBC searches for another octogenarian, light on his feet, with a twinkle in his eyes. Step forward Prince Philip, who is also able to coach Anton Du Beke on political correctness.
3. Aleksandr the meerkat will be poisoned by Polonium after being stabbed with the tip of an umbrella outside a Soho sushi bar. Witnesses report seeing a fat opera singer driving away at high speed in a car with Bulgarian number plates and a nodding dog in the rear window.
4. Proof that there really is an app for everything will arrive with a series of location-based apps to find your nearest amenity: Crap App for a public toilet; Chap App for a gay bar; Lap App for a lap-dancing club; Strap App for an S&M Club and Clap App for an STD clinic.
5. Further evidence that there is an app for everything arrives in the shape of Katie Price's Baps App. The Advertising Standards Authority will require a tweak to advertising for the app, imposing the disclaimer: "Katie's Baps have been styled with more silicon than Bondi Beach."
6. Gordon Brown will pen his memoirs, but his publisher will reject the first manuscript for Mi Ortobiografi because the illegible handwriting and repeated spelling mistakes render it unintelligible to the average reader. However, having had the manuscript copy typed and spell-checked, they then discover the real problem - it is unintelligible to the average reader.
7. Meanwhile, Alistair Darling will attempt to plug the hole in public finances with a Win-a-House contest, the prize being 11 Downing Street. Unfortunately, entries are few because nobody wants to live next to Gordon Brown, and the Gambling Commission decides the answer to the question "Who will win the next General Election?" is too obvious.
8. In a bid to restore its popularity, Google will launch a new service to help find every joke that's ever been written. The name of the new service? Google Mirth.
9. After swine flu comes a new pandemic: mouse flu spread by unhygienic internet searches. With the discovery that the new virus only affects PCs, Apple launches its new ad slogan: "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away."
10. The General Election will be greeted by apathy, as the electorate decides that it can't choose between Tory Toffs, Limp Lib Dems or Champagne Socialists whose Champagne has gone flat. However, the return of all those lost deposits to the Treasury does mean that tax hikes and spending cuts are averted, so everyone's a winner.
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