We do. This plot ran a few years ago and it was probably then that the nation realised that its favourite soap had finally run out of entertaining and original storylines.
Since then it has merely revisited the same old tired ground. Phil continually peppers his campaign of terror with emotional breakdowns and confessions of a predictably turbulent boyhood.
Peggy Mitchell loses her ability to cope with unnerving regularity. And Mark continues to live, despite the fact that a whole nation is actively praying for him to die.
So, faced with this problem, the BBC has had to look beyond its usual team of scribblers. And this month, it has taken inspiration from the most unlikely of sources - the latest Daz campaign from Leo Burnett.
Viewers may remember a recent episode in which a pouting Sharon Watts found a pair of saucy red knickers on her sofa. She immediately suspected that her "half-brother" Dennis had been getting up to mischief with Albert Square's resident slapper, Kat Slater, in her living room.
Adopting her best "not under my bleedin' roof, they don't" face, Sharon stormed off to The Queen Vic to confront her promiscuous sibling. As she read him the riot act, Kat approached. "They ain't my knickers," she cried.
Needless to say, the Queen Vic's regulars were all shocked by this (in fact, one of them was so surprised that she dropped and smashed a glass).
"Oh my God, is Dennis cheating on Kat," their astonished faces seemed to say.
Get the picture? Good. We're sure you'll agree, it's a plot that James Joyce would be proud of. It's also identical to one that appeared in a recent Daz ad, entitled "the grubby affair". Although the ad uses a bra instead of knickers, in every other detail the two scenes correspond identically - right down to the smashed glass.
So what on Earth is going on at the BBC? And where will it all end? Well, Diary has managed to sneak a peak at the advance EastEnders schedules for 2003 and we can exclusively reveal:
In July, Dot gets a new lease of life when she discovers both a new way to put the freshness back into her carpet, and a catchy song to sing while she's doing it.
And in August, the residents of Albert Square are in shock as Martin reveals his secret addiction to lemonade. "I'm trying to give it up, but it's one of those nights," he explains.