I’m only a punter, but what is wrong with PR people? Why do they never
actually get any PR, using as a sort of universalised excuse the
intrusion of real news on any given day? And if, by some extraordinary
conjunction of the planets, they manage to break into the media, why is
the result so unerringly and fatally damaging?
Why are they always late, always ‘stuck in traffic’? Why, when they do
walk into the room, do your spirits momentarily rally at the thought
that this time you might be proved wrong, and then slump irrevocably
when they begin to enlarge upon their intentions?
And why have they never got time to carry out their preposterous Venn
diagram proposal and delegate it to a half-wit secretary who has about
as much chance of success as shoving half a pound of melted butter into
a wild cat’s left ear with a red hot needle? Why have they never heard
of Wodehouse? Why have they never read any books? Why have they never
read any newspapers?
Why are the men always weakened by lack of sunlight? Why have they all
got names like shattered BBC sports presenters? Why do they sign their
names with teenage doodles of a smiley face next to it? And the women;
why are they all so foolish? Why are they invariably engaged in an
unsavoury sexual liaison in the hope, confided in one of many expansive
moods, of corporate preferment.
Why do they say ‘C’mon, c’mon I haven’t got all day’ and then use
phrases like ‘sessionable multi-use drink delivering refreshment and
style values’ without permitting themselves so much as a shudder of
Why are they so devoid of propriety? Why do they emblazon Wispa Gold
upon St Paul’s Cathedral and then congratulate themselves that
everyone’s talking about it? ‘Yeah, no, it’s really good coz, see, no-
one’s heard of it before and now awareness has gone up to 93 per cent’.
Why have sales of Wispa Gold plummeted?
Why do they never say anything that is intended to be funny?
Why do they provoke a barely disguisable desire to rush at them with a
fire-extinguisher and ram the hose up their nostril before whipping out
the safety pin and dangling it in front of their uncomprehending but
outraged faces? Why has no-one ever done this?