DIARY: I’m only a punter but...

For years and years, companies that advertised food always did so by saying the food tasted very nice. But recently I’ve been alarmed by a new style of food advertising - toilet humour.

For years and years, companies that advertised food always did so by

saying the food tasted very nice. But recently I’ve been alarmed by a

new style of food advertising - toilet humour.



I have never been a fan of puerile toilet humour, so imagine my surprise

when driving down the street I was bombarded by the most revolting

imagery I could imagine.



The first ad that caused me to miss a gear was of a rather jolly kettle

advertising Golden Wonder crisps. He is laughingly proclaiming that the

crisps are ‘like the bits in his bottom’. The line that follows is, ‘If

you’re Golden Wondering, they’re crispy.’



Several yards up the road I almost vomited all over the inside of the

car - and my girlfriend - for there, on public view, was a squat punk in

his undercrackers, displaying himself in all his glory. The line that

accompanies this tasteful image is, ‘They’re like my underpants, man.’



Having seen the kettle ad, I knew full well what the endline was going

to be and, believe me, I wasn’t Golden Wondering.



Call me old-fashioned, but I find using a squat punk’s undies as an

analogy for Golden Wonder crisps a little strange, if not distasteful.

And where will it lead?



The next executions in the campaign could, perhaps, have a 15-year-old

boy and his cardboard bed sheets advertising salt and vinegar flavour,

or an old age pensioner with his rank socks for barbecued beef. Could

this new ‘revolting’ advertising replace the ‘yobbish’ works that kicked

up such a huge stink?



Will Kellogg’s start using people with dandruff and sciatica to

advertise cornflakes? With the line, ‘They’re like my scalp, flakey!’ It

could even do a joint promotion with Head and Shoulders.



Moving away from analogies, we might start seeing advertising that just

states the obvious in the most distasteful way possible.



Old Monks Bitter: ‘It smells like an eggy fart!’



Birds Eye Prawn Curry: ‘It’ll give you the squits!’



Andrex: ‘It cleans crap off your dung trumpet!’



I love the idea of advertisers finding new and fresher ways of

communicating with the public, but I can’t see this new approach

working. Before it catches on, I would like to see the offending posters

torn down and burned in public and the sorry depraved individuals who

did the ads shot in the buttocks. Twice.



Got something you’d like to rant about? 400 words, please.