DIARY: JWT staff are boosting agency morale with a glut of 'Sausage' gags

As part of what we hope and pray will become a regular feature, the Diary turns its attention to J. Walter Thompson's The Sausage, one of a growing number of stinging in-house magazines, written by downtrodden agency staff, for downtrodden agency staff.

And what a cracker The Sausage is. The magazine is littered with such a high level of creativity and fresh thinking that some punters may seriously doubt it came from anyone at JWT.

Nestled among the numerous references to WPP-inspired pay freezes and the unpopularity of the agency's new carpet, we have the excellent "People Locator" - a helpful guide to the hang-outs of key JWT staff.

Apparently, the Label head, Nicola Dicketts, can be found on the third floor of Harvey Nichols, while the creative Bruce Menzie is sure to be discovered in Jaspar Shelbourne's arse. Happy hunting everyone.

Nor is Shelbourne spared the rod. In a mock television listings page for "The J. Walter Thompson Channel", the 2.00pm entry reads: "2.00 Jaspar's Kitchen: In a reversal of Jamie Oliver's current project, Jaspar leaves 15 creatives to fend for themselves on the dole before moving to woefully inadequate refurbished premises where he's eventually forced into knocking up some global treats for an ungrateful clientele albeit for exorbitant fees. (Repeat)"

This is preceeded by the 11:30 showing of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, in which "Martin 'We don't want to give you that' Lucas shows how to cut costs, relinquish staff and squeeze everybody else 'til they're dry ... all in order to make enough money for WPP to buy everything in sight."

The Sausage also seeks to capitalise on the success of Label and digital@JWT, by kindly suggesting other potential spin-offs including dOdO ("clients need more campaigns that die in research. Let's give them what they want"), NONCEPT ("For the less adventurous creative opportunity. Patented 'Brand Surgery' slices away idea, leaving just the dead husk") and BLINDeye ("We simply take work that's been done before and our specialist creative teams copy or 're-imagine' it").

Ros King is firmly handed the blame for choosing the agency's garish carpets.

And in the After Dinner Speakers section, Simon Bolton's services are offered for a whopping 57p. Still, who needs money when you've got such a happy workforce in tow?