DIARY: No prizes for picking the best actor in our answer to the Oscars

Move over, Emma Thompson. Park your tanks on somebody else’s lawn, Mel Gibson. Who’s that Nick Park anyway?

Move over, Emma Thompson. Park your tanks on somebody else’s lawn, Mel

Gibson. Who’s that Nick Park anyway?

Why bother with the glitz of Hollywood when you can have the glamour

of...Hammersmith. Yes, folks, it’s advertising’s very own Oscar ceremony

celebrating those performances of a lifetime, those little touches of

genius that turned the ordinary into the...er...

Step forward then, best actor, John Albinieri for a lifetime’s

achievement award, crowned with glorious performances as the Ferrero

Rocher butler and the World War II veteran in the Yellow Pages

commercial. In his speech of thanks, Albinieri said: ‘I’d like to thank

my doctor, my heart surgeon, my geriatric surgeon, my plastic surgeon,

my knee surgeon, my back surgeon and my surgeon’s surgeon.’

Best actress - the judges couldn’t separate the sex-goddess woman who

turns out to be the bloke’s wife in the Peugeot 306 ad (remember those

come-hither looks and the symbolic waves crashing on the beach?) and the

Doris Karloff lookalike who offers Ruby Wax a colonic irrigation in the

Vauxhall Corsa ads (in our books, anybody who colonically irrigates Ruby

Wax has the nation’s undying gratitude).

Best supporting actor - no arguments, it’s got to be the blind man in

the toilet in the Levi’s ‘washroom’ film. Those taut facial expressions

were worth a thousand words; that chain-pulling a masterpiece of timing.

Best supporting actress - a controversial winner here but, in the end,

the judges put their vote behind the bicycle-riding fish in the new Tony

Kaye Guinness commercials.

Best use of a prop - a new category, but there was only one candidate:

the oak against which the blind man (not the Levi’s one) and his

girlfriend were propped while going all lovey-dovey in the Durex ad.

Best excuse for a location shoot - Strongbow’s expensive desert film

with the Smoke on the Water riff by Deep Purple.

Best excuse for blowing pounds 1 million (at least) - Vauxhall Vectra.

Most pointless use of an Angus Deayton voiceover - Ogilvy and Mather for

the new Ford Mondeo commercial.

Best use of dialogue - joint winners, with the judges unable to separate

Ricola and Paco. Sample: ‘Rrrrriiiicolahhhhhh...’


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