INTEGRATED: What new terms will all advertising creatives have to master in 2006?

Mark Fiddes risks singling out ten expressions likely to form common parlance

Mark Fiddes risks singling out ten expressions likely to form common parlance

‘Supplicate.’ Zack Troutman is pointing at the floor. For nearly a

decade he’s ruled with fear and food parcels the creative department of

Christ Buddha and Saatchi (Integrated). I press my nose into the

shagpiled scalps of less resilient copywriters and listen hard.

Bad timing. It’s lunch and he’s still chewing on my script.

‘This is junk,’ he munches. ‘I have more than 950 channels to fill and

you give me one Godzillion dollar ad like I was British Airways. Oh, and

it’s not even funny’.

Why argue? Troutman was the dark eminence behind the European Community

Intrusion of the Headspace Law that effectively banned broadcast

advertising. Troutman it was who offered Brits the chance to trade in

their right to vote for a luxury edition of the Encyclopedia


‘Arise mortal and accept this microchip FREE with compliments on a 300-

word, no obligation home trial. No salesman will call.’

It all goes fuzzy and suddenly my hand is seized by a virtual, almost

three-dimensional Harry Secombe in a red V-neck sweater.

Together we pass through a computer screen. Just like on Highway,

Harry’s presence brings with it comfort and succour. Behold, a granite

wall etched with these words in Garamond bold.

‘Jargon-buster.’ Below-the-line meanings with above-expectations


1. Database A Yellow Pages of your customers. Good for telling you that

they all like gardening, Elaine Page, buying things and filling in

coupons. Always ABC1.

2. Profiling An updated version of the 80s dance sensation, Vogueing.

Also a watertight way of selecting those hard-to-find affluent classes

who buy garden equipment and Lloyd Webber CDs.

3. Personalisation A great opportunity to affront a punter by getting

their name wrong, as in ‘Dear Diane, Princesss of Whales. You too could

go topless through London’s SW1 district in the new Skoda Estelle


4. Regression analysis A statistical tool for tracking daytime TV

viewership. Also useful for modelling past spending habits...number of

seeds bought versus bulbs.

5. The bang-tailed bound-in insert with self-moistening horseshoe

gumming Positively the world’s most successful response stimulator.

Always order them in confidence from a consenting adult printer.

6. Pump crowner Never demand one at the end of an evening out with

consenting adult printers. Admire them instead when filling up on garage


7. Shelf-wobbler According to top shelf sales promo execs: ‘When in

doubt wobble.’ Unkind adfolk use this to explain comrades’ vacillation

over brand strategy.

8. Mail-shot A condition of extreme direct marketing not unlike shell

shock. Dulce et decorum est pro brandiae mori, as the poem would have


9. R. O. I. Bizarrely translated as ‘return on investment’, this chronic

affliction has, until now, been contained within the below-the-line and

client community. Image advertisers have not been determined a high-risk


10. BRE (business reply envelope) Not to be confused with the French

cheese called Camembert, which should only be mailed at times of

national emergency.

I turn to Harry and ask the response marketing question that’s been

bugging me: ‘When you call the 0800 coneline, does John Major take all

the calls personally?’

Mark Fiddes, consulting creative, is lecturing on the Institute of

Directors ‘Absolute Essentials’ tour