I'll cut to the quick, this my Jerry Maguire moment, enough is enough. I simply cannot continue to stand idly by as you continue to self harm with these pitiful brand partnerships, so I am hereby resigning from the post of executive assistant with immediate effect, and in doing so feel obliged to get some stuff off my chest.
Primarily, I emplore you to reconsider your upcoming endorsement of the soon-to-be launched Dyson Shit Shovel. It's the final straw in a long line of sad brand sponsorship mis-steps.
For what it's worth I can see how you've found yourself here. Starting out by wanting a bit of cash to subsidize a burgeoning acting career that isn't paying properly yet.
I get that, everyone in the office does, but what must have started out as a bit of extra income (and may I say, some of your best work) with Tango back in the day, soon became a slurry of shit.
I mean, obviously the Cadbury film was an opportunity to dazzle the world with your training from Rambert (even if it was to that DREADFUL score), however, I'm not sure it was really worth it, despite it allowing you to buy a new extractor fan for the kitchen in LA.
Then we have the Microsoft piece, which was a triumph of reading out loud: people deserve to hear your wonderful annunciations, and if you're able to acquire a small part of the West Indies with your fee then so be it.
Your work with Apple Music was a triumph of your versatility as an actor and impressionist (watch out Mr McGowan!), and I'm aware that job alone is keeping you in champagne jacuzzis. Sadly, I don't have anything positive to say about your latest work with confused.com. Not your best turn of the boards sir.
As a result of these endeavours you're now a very wealthy young man, who is pirouetting on the precipice of wasting national treasure status.
I can't continue to watch you obliterate the amazing work you did with Gavin & Stacy and The History Boys with these horrific brand partnerships.
So please, cherish that hard earned dignity you're holding by the tips of your bejewelled fingers, and say "no more" to these cynical capitalist temptations.
You're an artist dear, not a puppet.
Stick to Car Pool Karaoke. People love that shit.
Yours faithfully and god speed sir,
Ben Middleton is chief creative officer and co-founder at Creature