Life on the treadmill proves disastrous

After spotting a fin circling his desk, Mark Etting attempts to get fit, but instead suffers a big fall.

MONDAY.

Wayne hasn't turned up today. The effort of actually pitching someone on the phone obviously brought about an adverse reaction. Dobbie, unfortunately, is in the peak of physical fitness and is pestering me constantly with highly technical questions like "where do we get leads from?" Our illustrious manager Kevin "Pizzaface" Keane should be sorting this out, not me.

The guy couldn't run a bath.

TUESDAY.

Ranjit and Bizard both score deals and Joe congratulates them loudly – in my personal space, never mind my earshot. When he circles around me as I’m pitching someone, I swear I spot a dorsal fin on his back. My worst nightmare is realised when Dobbie excitedly shouts "got one!"

Thankfully, he's only referring to a lead. If he can remember how to get an outside line, no doubt they'll be hearing from him.

WEDNESDAY.

Joe always tells us that the most effective time to do a pitch is just after you've scored a deal. I try to motivate the returning Wayne by telling him the most effective time to do a pitch is five days after your last one. Equipped with that knowledge, he adjusts the iPod under his bobble hat and grabs hold of his Nuts.

THURSDAY.

PE kit in tow and anticipating a fit-to-bustin' session with Fiona, Medway Trussett's finest. I feel I ought to tap her for more ad space to get Joe off my case, but that involves timing of Accurist proportions. Prefer to ring round some of my old time-wasting agency favourites. It's not long before Lawrence Haas-Green is telling me I'd need to make "Foodtech" live for him before he'd take it out of cold storage and stir fry it into his strategy wok. I then try Ralph "Raif " Strickland at Mediapants. Apparently, his leg is better, but he's out having an emergency appointment with his herbalist.

FRIDAY.

Dobbie's turn to do the "no-show".

I expect he was reading a book on Superglue and couldn't put it down. Fiona got me to buy one of those ridiculously over-priced sports drinking cups they sell at the gym. I was so busy trying to get a sip out of the damn thing that I fell off the treadmill!

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