Media: A moment with Marquis

I never thought I'd get to write about wanking in a family magazine. But in the cause of sound journalistic enquiry and media enlightenment for Campaign readers, it must be done. Your faithful columnist will not shirk his duty.

Since you last picked up a copy of Campaign, a bunch of London men and women have tossed themselves off in a sweaty hall in Clerkenwell in front of the cameras of the production house Zig Zag.

Channel 4 (who else?) is to run a week of masturbation-themed programmes this autumn, adding new meaning to the notion of appointment viewing.

"It's something almost everyone does but few talk about," the commissioning editor says with knowing insight. You may think it should stay that way, but no. Nowadays, if it moves, especially in an up-and-down, jiggy-jiggy sort of way, it should be filmed and broadcast. The Welsh imbecile in Big Brother admitted in the "diary room" to a swift one in the shower the other day, and frankly who can blame him after three months locked away with a dozen other tossers? They're at it on ITV's Love Island as well, I can report.

The whole "Wankathon" is for charity, which makes it all OK, of course. So, reeling one off the wrist, spanking the monkey and sneaking off for a quick Jodrell has at last made it to late primetime television. Thank goodness for that. I thought it would never come ...

Apparently, the mass frot has rules: at least 55 minutes in every hour must be dedicated to the matter in hand with a withering five minutes only to "replenish and renew". There are prizes for those that last the longest and for the greatest number of orgasms.

The latest addition to Wank Week is a documentary on excessive masturbation, featuring a (presumably exhausted) chap who beats the bishop on average 20 times a day. There is room for another super-onanist if anyone feels like applying, or indeed has the time to do so in between their many DIY sessions.

But hey, good for Channel 4. Only they could pull this off (so to speak). Though it may not be the sort of programming the whole family will crowd round the box to watch, it is bound to draw big audiences. Mary Whitehouse will be revolving in her grave like a particle accelerator but, thankfully, since her day we've learnt not to be quite so prissy about what is on TV. You're not obliged to watch, after all.

Now, anyone up for the spon-sorship opportunity?