New year, new pledges

It's that time of year when we realise we loathe our own bodies, all our relatives and the general direction our lives are going in.

Andy Nairn will be aiming to emulate the Krankie's in 2012
Andy Nairn will be aiming to emulate the Krankie's in 2012

The traditional way to get through it is to tell yourself a pack of lies about how things are going to be different this year - ie. make up some New Year's resolutions. Diary looked to a few of advertising's more irreverent luminaries - Andy Nairn, Dave Bedwood and Ben Walker - for inspiration. Here is what they'll be up to this year.

Dare's Nairn may be making a shock career move to Heat magazine. He forecasts: "In 2012, I will be aiming for the creative plaudits of Adele, the financial success of Simon Cowell, the body of a Greek god, the youthful fashion creds of Justin Bieber and the sex life of The Krankies.

"Or at least to avoid what most of us got in 2011: the creative plaudits of The Krankies, the financial success of the Greeks, the body of Adele, the youthful fashion creds of Simon Cowell and the sex life of Justin Bieber."

Meanwhile, Walker is snubbing charities and green vegetables in favour of his Crispin Porter & Bogusky clients. His New Year's resolutions are: "Eat less broccoli and more Milka & Daim. Give less to charity and more to my Paddy Power account. Did I get that the right way round? Yes, I think I did. Learn Wankish and start a brand consultancy."

And Lean Mean Fighting Machine's Bedwood is aiming to be more polite in the sack.

"Be realistic: for once, set goals that are achievable and thus empowering. Upgrade Sky to Sky HD. Say please and thank you before and after every single sexual encounter with the wife and, indeed, with oneself," he vows. "Become more open towards cults. Be nicer to social media gurus. Kill a social media guru. Go travelling and read The Beach. Whenever that 'incident' pops uncontrollably into my head, donate a pound to the relevant charity."