Opinion: Beale on ... Doritos Latinos

Vernon Kay has the sort of looks catalogue stylists pay good money for. Six-foot-four, dentally arresting, all cheek bones and flared jaw.

And those lips, girls' lips, soft and wobbly. The hair's the thing, though ... I swear it's got a pulse.

Apparently, he's rather a hit with young things. And mums. Which should make him a pert choice to push the sort of greasy, snacky, oh so give-me-morish nibbles that have suddenly become the very devil's spawn. Doritos it is, then.

Kay (a presenter on T4) has been signed up to help launch Doritos Latinos, "a new lighter crunch chip that captures the colourful spirit of Latin America", in the battle against Pringles. So first up: the obvious obesity issue. Famous(ish) person, popular with our innocents, is advertising something which, if inhaled in large enough quantities, could make your arse explode. Cue outcry. If you happen to be a pressure group or fat person looking for someone to blame, you might think that Kay is not taking his status as a young thing's darling responsibly enough. After all, Doritos contain 25 per cent fat. To his credit, though, Kay did once star with Southampton Lollipop Lady Margaret Russell to promote cheese as part of a nutritionally balanced diet. So there.

And, anyway, this really isn't an ad for kiddies, who would no doubt rather see Tinky Winky getting off on a packet of Wotsits. No, I think this is supposed to be an ad for your cool crisp-munching dude whose lexicon rejoices in phrases such as "ding dong".

If you've seen this ad (by Abbott Mead Vickers BBDO), your toes are probably already curling, but a precis for the unblemished: two young people sit at opposite ends of the sofa. Our Vern pops up doing his best professional northerner routine. Flippin 'eck. He plucks a packet of Doritos Latinos from behind the sofa to warm things up a bit.

The couple are moved to confess they've been shagging around and their lovers - two unfeasibly beautiful oiled Brazilians - emerge from down the back of the sofa. Well, it beats a hairy boiled sweet. They're followed by "the front end of the Brazilian carnival" and suddenly it's party time, all heaving bosoms and shimmering hips.

Vernon, who was "really chuffed when Doritos asked me to be the brand ambassador", is definitely a real trooper. Without a backward glance as he leaves his ounce of street cred behind forever, Vernon puts in a performance his mum would be proud of. And sod those precious A-listers who'll take the 30-second shilling but don't do price promotions, on-pack work or PR ... we need more Vernons, prepared to go that extra mile on the corporate website: "I've always loved Doritos anyway, and these new flavours are just out of this world." Integration lives.

Now the first time I saw this ad I thought the script was total tosh.

Do young people today really say things like "I'm secretly bonking Benito" or "I'm getting jiggy with Katya", I asked myself worriedly. Second time I saw the ad it was in the break of Big "bap" Brother and the light was seen.

Wait for the endline, though. Squatting beneath a pair of gyrating hips, Vernon, frothing with excitement like a rabid dog on heat, delivers the most churning last line of any ad this century. "I love a Brazilian, me," he gurns. If that doesn't conjure images of plucked chickens and oral sex, then you should get out more. But as a double entendre at the end of the Doritos carnival, it's about as tacky and amusing as a used strip of hot wax. Ding dong.

Dead cert for a Pencil? Not even in the "best use of carnival" category.

File under ... D for ding dong.

What would the chairman's wife say? "Those Brazilians are the best thing

in this heat."