PERSPECTIVE: We’re oh so pretty, here at Switch2 TV

’We’re doing to TV what the Sex Pistols did to music.’

’We’re doing to TV what the Sex Pistols did to music.’

That’s the new Switch2 mantra. ’So how come we’ve got an interview with

Kenneth Brannagh up on the site?’ I enquired. ’Oh, er, that,’ replied

the film dudes. ’Yeah, that’s just to test out how interviews stream,

y’know, the technical side. I’ll get it down.’

Too bloody right, mate. It’s no use us telling the world how we’re going

to smash the barricades and demystify the televisual universe when we’ve

got that boring old ponce telling us how he arrived at his art.

But despite the odd hitch, things are coming on in leaps and bounds here

in Switch2 Towers, the multichannel net TV platform built for


We’ve moved into fancy new offices in Soho and the music boys have just

swung a very impressive deal, giving us massive presence at just about

every major music festival over the summer.

We’ve already done Creamfields Dublin, during which ace presenter Reece

(picture a young Michael Elphick) mesmerised hundreds of drugged-up

Irishfolk, armed with nothing more than a few seven-inch singles and two

plastic turntables procured from Woolworths for pounds 12.99.

We also did my first comedy festival in Kilkenny, where another Switch2

presenter, Michael Smiley (picture a younger, better-looking and

rip-roaringly funny Shane McGowan), mesmerised hundreds of pissed-up

Irish folk armed with nothing more than his Belfast Catholic wit and the

kind of language that could strip paint.

In the past couple of weeks, the channel heads and myself have been busy

developing and intensifying the Switch2 brand, which has involved us

drawing up lists of who we are and who we are not.

In music, for example, we’re Kellis and not Shania Twain, Eminem and not

R Kelly. In comedy, we’re Chris Morris as opposed to the loathsome Mel &

Sue. And so on, until every Switch2 employee is clear on exactly where

the brand is coming from.

Programmes in the pipeline include alternative film endings, Driveby

Cookery, animation specials, Central Berk (a Friends spoof where berks

such as Brian Moloko and Cerys from Catatonia argue in a cafe run by

Lemmy) and Pop Skool - the first episode of which sees Billy Piper

explaining the Kennedy assassination.

There’s also the first episode of Teenage Jesus in which we serialise

the angst-ridden puberty years of the Lord Himself. We’re looking

forward to that.


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