PRIVATE VIEW: Damon Collins is the executive creative director at Lowe

I can't help feeling there might be a more appropriate title for this column. A name that takes into consideration the real reasons people write what they do here. So, welcome to something altogether less disingenuous: "Private Agenda." A straightforward exercise in settling old scores, knocking the opposition and making a feeble grab at new-business opportunities.

First up is a commercial for the Halifax. One of those with the bespectacled bank clerk. As we're bound to end up pitching against the agency behind this at some point, I feel it prudent to ignore the fact that it's a rather successful and popular campaign. I could resort to something like "I'd rather have my eyes scooped out than be made to watch it more than once", but I fear my strategy would be showing. Instead, I'll simply say that while the animation adds interest, the interest rates and legal supers don't.

Sod branding or trying to steal share off Boots, Lloyds Pharmacy has gone for an all-out special effects extravaganza. The world's smallest woman sunbathes on someone's arm, then pops up on the surface of the sun as she explains that every year ten million of us get sunburn, 65,000 of us develop skin cancer and that Lloyds sells only protection factor 15 and above. While not an exemplary piece of positioning, there's no need to be nasty about this.

The rest of the industry will do it for me. So I can play the nice guy and congratulate them for having a go.

In the Mercedes range film, the world's finest humans meet the world's finest automobiles. Now this is by a new agency that's doing far too well already and, friends or no friends, I'm buggered if I want to give them any more help. But I have to say, this is a work of genius. I have to say that, of course, since I don't really fancy being confronted down some dark Soho side street by an immaculately tailored, yet potentially lethal, six-foot Irishman, who could very easily crush my hand "by accident" during one of his unusual handshakes.

Next, some press and posters for the National Benefit Fraud hotline. Apparently, a member of the agency behind these gave an impassioned speech on behalf of one of our ads at a recent awards judging. So the least I can do is not be too mean about this campaign. Let's move on to the next one.

My five-year-old son Felix hasn't the faintest idea what the latest Audi ad is all about. (But then I only asked him so he gets a name check.) A man lobs fluffy dice, a nodding dog and an easy listening CD on to a bonfire, smiles to himself and then drives off. It ends with the line: "New attitude. New Audi A3." Forget that it seems to be saying "Your old Audi's naff. Flog it quick and get a new cool one", the fact that it's been done, I believe, by a team we've been trying to hire means it gets ten out of ten on the Collins-o-meter. You've got my number, guys.

Finally, a campaign for McVities which employs the oldest technique known to advertising man: "Product so good, people want to nick it." It appears the team didn't stay late enough to need any a:m snacks while working on this one. Still, I'm sure that new Studzinski bloke will sort them out. He's doing well, isn't he? Worth keeping in with I reckon.

Right. Photo in Campaign. Profile upped. Enemies made. And all in 600 words.

MERCEDES-BENZ

Project: "Movement"

Client: Simon Oldfield, general manager, Mercedes-Benz passenger cars

Brief: Consolidate and enhance perceptions of Mercedes-Benz as the

leading manufacturer of premium cars

Agency: Campbell Doyle Dye

Writer: Walter Campbell

Art director: Walter Campbell

Director: Ivan Bird

Production company: Serious Pictures

Exposure: National TV, cinema and online

MCVITIES

Project: Launch of McV a:m range

Client: Emma Mansfield, marketing general manager

Brief: Generate awareness and drive trial of the new McV a:m range

Agency: Publicis

Writer: Andy Jones

Art director: Scott Sparks

Director: James Griffiths

Production company: Another Film Company

Exposure: National TV

AUDI

Project: "Fire"

Client: David George, communications marketing manager

Brief: Establish the Audi A3 as the sportiest prestige car in the

compact sector

Agency: Bartle Bogle Hegarty

Writer: Jon Fox

Art director: Rik Brown

Director: Nikolai Fusilig

Production company: Outsider

Exposure: European TV

LLOYDS PHARMACY

Project: Suncare

Client: Mark Green, commercial director

Brief: Communicate Lloyds Pharmacy's ethical stance on suncare products

Agency: Mustoes

Writer: Mark Prime

Art director: Lee Hanson

Director: Peter Giorgi

Production company: Rogue Films

Exposure: National TV

HALIFAX

Project: Halifax Savings

Client: Chris Mawson, head of brands marketing

Brief: Communicate that Halifax offers much better value in savings

versus the competition

Agency: Delaney Lund Knox Warren & Partners

Writer: Malcolm Green

Art director: Gary Betts

Director: Numero Six

Production company: Partizan

Exposure: National TV

DEPARTMENT OF WORK AND PENSIONS

Project: National Benefit Fraud

Clients: Liz Kettle, senior information office, DWP; John Hosier, senior

campaign manager, COI Communications

Brief: Highlight the expertise and new powers within the fraud

investigation process

Agency: Leo Burnett

Writers: Steve Boswell, Richard Lamb-Hughes

Art directors: Steve Drysdale, Richard Holmes

Photographer: Alan Grainger

Typographer: Mark Cakebread

Exposure: National and local press, posters, bus interiors