Private View: Gerry Moira, a freelance writer, model, whatever

It's a creative team's dream. You are being given a charity brief. This one's from the RSPCA. They want us all to use quieter fireworks (bear with me, it's a dream). Apparently, thousands of our four-legged friends have to be sedated every year and it's time some creative awards were won on their behalf. You smile, your nostrils flare imperceptibly, it's gong time! The distinctive aroma of nervous planner has barely cleared from your office and already you're reaching for your trusty golf-bag of creative tricks. Instinctively, your hand hovers over the striking image of the King Charles Spaniel with a rocket up its arse.

You look along the shaft of this powerful weapon of mass communication. You feel the heft. It feels right. Goddamnit, it looks right on the page. There's real fear and bewilderment in the startled animal's eyes but, of course, you can only see gold.You consider the superfluity of a headline but then divine inspiration strikes and almost involuntarily, you find your hand penning the one-word clincher. "BASTARDS," reads the headline above the impaled beast.

You are spent. With trembling hand, you put the masterpiece away in a locked drawer for "pulling out of the hat" three weeks hence. Your work here is done and, slightly giddy with your own genius, you totter off to lunch. It may only be pasta at the local Italian but in your dream, you're already dining on glory at the Grosvenor House.

Sadly this solid gold Gold will never see the light of day as the real creative team has, perhaps shrewdly, gone for the short money and the drug-induced typography award instead.

The models in the new Clarks TV spot are also having a laugh and, one suspects, it's a bigger laugh than we the viewers at home are enjoying.

But that's models for you, they pout, they laugh and, er ... that's it. I'm a big fan of this "cat walk of real life" campaign but I suspect there might come a point where anti-fashion just becomes non-fashion.

A perfectly good product-led idea is overwhelmed by a Giant Metaphor in the frozen food aisle of a Somerfield supermarket. The theme is one of instant gratification but the image of a naked baby splatting down into a trolley of groceries (think Caesarean Salad) left me and a million housewives too traumatised to take in the message about cash points or point cash or whatever.

However, this spot is a model of clarity compared with the Department for Education and Skills' attempts to persuade teenagers to stay on at school. I haven't got enough words left to explain the plot but suffice to say that Magritte and John Le Carre are the two key influences.

Pot Noodle has the kind of TV campaign that goes around bitch-slapping other campaigns just for fun.This picture dictionary for Brit-Yobs on Tour shows the difficulty of migrating this brand's superior brand of filth to the print medium.

I don't know if I'm suffering from Atkinson Aftermath but does anyone else think that the new Yoplait commercial is racist? Teenagers sing along to a calypso track with lips thickened by CGI just like "dem darkies of old, de Black and White Minstrels". Is it me?

It is, isn't it? Oh well, at least you know where you are with a King Charles Spaniel and a Brocks' Lunar Probe.


Project: Pot Noodle holiday promotion

Client: Claire McCulloch, Pot Noodle brand manager

Brief: Launch Pot Noodle's May holiday promotion

Agency: HHCL/Red Cell

Writers: Jonathan Thake, Lee Tan

Art directors: Jonathan Thake, Lee Tan

Illustrator: Andy Ward

Typographer: White Room

Exposure: National press


Project: "Something different"

Clients: Martin Langdon, head of marketing; Nicholas Hall, advertising


Brief: Launch Saver Card, Somerfield's new reward scheme

Agency: M&C Saatchi

Writer: Duncan Timms

Art director: Will Bates

Director: Guy Manwaring

Production company: Therapy Films

Exposure: National and satellite TV


Project: Adults SS04 "Everyday chic"

Client: Ted Hart, consumer marketing manager

Brief: Continue to position Clarks as an everyday fashion brand with

good-looking, wearable shoes

Agency: St Luke's

Writers: Jules Chalkley, Nick Simons

Art directors: Jules Chalkley, Nick Simons

Director: Vaughan Arnell

Production company: Pagan

Exposure: National TV


Project: "Mumma"

Client: Gerry Roads, marketing director

Brief: Relaunch YOP yoghurt drink to target teens (and their mothers as

main purchaser); give YOP a role as a breakfast drink

Agency: McCann Erickson

Writer: Paul Turner

Art director: Paul Sharp

Director: James Pilkington

Production company: Partizan Midi Minuit

Exposure: National and satellite TV


Project: EMA

Client: Trevor Fellowes, divisional manager in charge of EMA

Brief: Raise awareness of the EMA scheme and get eligible candidates to


Agency: Leo Burnett

Writer: Steve Wakelam

Art director: Steve Wakelam

Director: James Haworth

Production company: Therapy

Exposure: National TV


Project: Fireworks campaign

Client: David Bowles, head of external affairs

Brief: Inspire members of the public to text their support to the

Government to reduce noise levels of fireworks

Agency: Abbott Mead Vickers BBDO

Writers: Nigel Roberts, Andy McAnaney

Art directors: Paul Bedford, Christian Sewell

Typographer: Mark Elwood

Exposure: National press

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