PRIVATE VIEW: Martin Galton, a creative partner at Hooper Galton

"If anyone is in advertising or marketing ... kill yourself. There's no rationalisation for what you do. Seriously, kill yourself. You are Satan's spawn filling the world with bile and garbage. You are fucked and you are fucking us. Kill yourself. It's the only way to save your soul."

I don't know about you, but every time I pick up a pen to write an ad I have Bill Hicks ringing in my ears. His words may be a tad harsh but, sadly, most of the ads on telly these days suggest he may well have had a point. Let's have a look at this week's selection and see how much bile and garbage there really is sloshing about.

Let's start with three executions, as it were, for Utterly Butterly. In one, a woman discovers an empty tub of Utterly Butterly in her fridge.

She's so desperate that she scrapes the bottom of the tub with what looks like a cotton bud and deposits the residue on to a cracker. The endline tells us she's "utterly determined". Other endlines in the series read "utterly tempted" and "utterly impolite".

All right if you like strategic comedy, but I feel sure Bill would urge all concerned to quietly do the decent thing. My condolences to the friends and relations.

Next, something new from Kit Kat. A Lock Stock actor so edgy that he is playing pool by himself, explains how Isaac Newton nearly drove himself bonkers trying to be brilliant. His greatest discovery, however, came while sitting under an apple tree with his feet up, thus proving that it's good to have a break. It lacks the warmth and charm I normally associate with Kit Kat (it's suspiciously Barclays-ish), but those responsible might just get away with a minor self-amputation.

Cherokee clothing from Tesco is something I know about. The dear lady wife buys it for me all the time. The fashionistas who hang around our office think it must be massively expensive, because they don't recognise the brand, but trust me, this stuff is cheap - you can still smell the sweat from the sweatshops. Anyway, it's hard doing fashion and price but Tesco does it rather well here. Shot on Camber Sands, where all the beautiful people go to play frisbee dressed in their Cherokee clothing, real-life starbursts suddenly appear out of nowhere to reveal how inexpensive the clothes are. I can't see how Bill could object to this one, so maybe just a Chinese burn would suffice.

BT has covered the whole world in Post-It notes to try and get me to remember their sodding directory enquiries number. It's unmissable, true, but a case of too much, too late. I'm already emotionally committed to those skinny runners.

Apparently, all the scallies at the Creamfields festival were wearing 118 vests last week - and not a 500 in sight. I can't help thinking that Bill would insist on something long and painful here, like being sent to a room and forced to watch the 60-second version over and over again.

On the print front, there's a poster from United Airlines with a gag about how crap the Brits are at tennis. How rude. Time to reach for the arsenic I'm afraid.

There are 34 posters from Mercedes which can be seen along the travelator at Waterloo station. The travelator isn't working at the moment, which is just as well as you'll need a bit of time to work out what the campaign's about. They look nice though, so maybe just a poke in the eye with a sharp stick as a warning.

And what about me? All this criticism from the man who officially wrote the worst commercial Bartle Bogle Hegarty ever made. To be honest, if it wasn't for this damn shallowness I would have topped myself years ago.


Project: "No accident here"

Client: Simon Oldfield, national sales director

Brief: Consolidate and enhance perceptions of Mercedes-Benz as the

leading manufacturer of premium cars

Agency: Campbell Doyle Dye

Writer: Sean Doyle

Art director: Dave Dye

Typographer: Dave Wakefield

Photographer: Nadav Kander

Exposure: Jubilee Line at Waterloo Station


Project: Kit Kat

Client: John Lambert, marketing manager

Brief: Inspire the UK to take more breaks with Kit Kat

Agency: J. Walter Thompson

Writer: Jonathan John

Art director: Nick Wooton

Director: Peter Cattaneo

Production company: Academy

Exposure: National TV


Project: Utterly Butterly

Client: Richard Tolley, marketing director

Brief: Differentiate the brand emotionally and build consumer empathy

and loyalty

Agency: Grey London

Writer: Alex Fraser

Art director: Matt Turrell

Director: Nicholas Barker

Production company: Rogue Films

Exposure: National TV


Project: 118 500

Client: Catherine Kehoe, head of marketing communications

Brief: Help people remember the number for BT's new directory enquiries

service is 118 500

Agency: St Luke's

Writer: Matt Jones

Art director: Vic Polkinghorne

Director: Lenard Dorpman

Production company:

Exposure: National and satellite TV


Project: United Airlines

Client: Mike Tunnicliffe, regional marketing manager

Brief: Advertise United's low fare to New York before and during the US


Agency: Fallon

Writer: Simon Roseblade

Art director: Glen Gibbens

Typographer: n/s

Photographer: n/s

Exposure: National newspapers


Project: Cherokee

Client: Ian Crook, head of brand communications

Brief: Show that Cherokee is high-street fashion at surprisingly low

prices Agency: Lowe

Writer: Gethin Stout

Art director: Simon Butler

Director: Jim Jenkins

Production company: Hungry Man

Exposure: National and satellite TV

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