PRIVATE VIEW: Trevor Beattie, the chairman and creative director of TBWA/London

It's getting hard, missus. It's getting very, very, very hard to be evangelical about our business when so much of what we do is pooh.

This Nintendo Gameboy Advance campaign. It's not pooh, granted. But neither is it very good. It has headlines such as: "The second best thing to do in the dark." It has seven tiny packshots in every ad. And I can't be arsed to say owt else about it.

Bobcat Safaris reckon, via the lazy vernacular of the tufty-headed advertising creative, that "British animals are rubbish".

(This week meaning harmless.) I beg to differ. The 'umble British worker bee, for example, has the power to induce anaphylactic shock, should the mood take him. The grubby little pigeon would shower you with histoplasmosis-carrying ectoparasites as soon as look at you. And as for the harmless Friesian heifer, hell, Bovine Spongiform Encepha-lophathy's gonna ruin your day with or without the sesame seed bun, sister.

No, British beasts can rumble with the best of 'em. Jungle or no. So, I'm afraid I just don't buy such a strategically shallow inducement to what should be the holiday of a lifetime. However, there's a fortune to be made conducting guided tours around the mind of the crazed animal responsible for that layout.

There are few more serious social issues than that of drug abuse among those who wear Burberry baseball caps. In tackling this crisis head on, Mother has opted for the crazy knockabout slapstick hit TV comedy series that is COI Communications' Frank. You'll laugh. You'll chuckle. You'll immediately stop freebasing crack.

Meanwhile, over in Hollywood, a glamorous couple (let's call them Ho and Hum) are engaged in a battle of wits over the last ice-cold bottle of Coca-Cola inda house. Does the bloke lose? Honey, this is advertising. Do Selfridges sell fridges?

Indulge me for a minute. Pretend you're a car client. You market motors for a living. Motors like the new Vauxhall Meriva. It would probably be safe to assume that you're fully aware of the dubious, not to say fatal, practice of "cut and shut". You know, the Watchdog favourite whereby backstreet mechanics weld together two different halves of two different cars in the quest for a fast buck and in the hope that they won't explode apart on the merest of impacts and kill everyone on board ...?

'Course you are. Knowing this, however, would you then run an ad that at first (second, third and fourth) glance looks like a glossy glowing endorsement of said dodgy doings?

If the answer's yes and you think you can sell this to your dealers as "a revolution in car design", then you'd probably also have no qualms about giving your car a name that sounds like an eye infection, using a mundane Stephen Fry voiceover or approving a soundtrack which largely consists of the phrase "wank-wank" repeated at random over a jaunty piano solo.

Congratulations. You've passed my little test. You are indeed a car client. And, like most car clients before you, while you're totally au fait with the spurious benefits of "independent rear audio and flexible seating", you probably wouldn't recognise a good advertising idea if you came home and found your wife in bed with one.

Is it just me, or is advertising creativity at its lowest ebb ever? Oh, it is just me? Phew. Thank God for that.

COI COMMUNICATIONS

Project: Class-A drug awareness

Clients: The Department of Health and the Home Office

Brief: Launch and establish the Frank brand as the main source of

information and education about Class-A drugs

Agency: Mother

Writer: Mother

Art director: Mother

Director: Traktor

Production company: Partizan

Exposure: National TV and satellite

NINTENDO

Project: Nintendo Gameboy Advance SP

Client: Tim Freystedt, Gameboy Advance brand manager

Brief: Create an aspirational image for Gameboy Advance among a more

adult audience

Agency: Leo Burnett Milan

Writer: Paolo Lentini

Art director: Michele Bedeschi

Photographer: Rodolfo Martinez

Exposure: European fashion magazines

COCA-COLA

Project: Coca-Cola "real"

Client: n/s

Brief: n/s

Agency: Berlin Cameron & Partners

Writer: Ewen Cameron

Art director: Julio Pardo

Director: Chris Robinson

Production company: Partizan

Exposure: National TV

VAUXHALL MERIVA

Project: "Two worlds. One car"

Client: Paul Meadows, communications manager, cars

Brief: Launch the Meriva as a revolutionary car that redefines family

motoring

Agency: Delaney Lund Knox Warren & Partners

Writer: David Adamson

Art director: Richard Prentice

Director: Daniel Barber

Production company: Rose Hackney Barber

Exposure: National TV and cinema

BOBCAT SAFARIS

Project: Bobcat Safaris

Client: David Turner, UK marketing director

Brief: Stimulate the safari holiday travel market highlighting the

exciting animals that can be seen

Agency: Euro RSCG Wnek Gosper

Writer: Leanne Gold

Art director: Andy Bobbin

Typographer: Matt Palmer

Exposure: Poster sites in London and the South East