PRIVATE VIEW: Trevor Beattie is the chairman and creative director of TBWA\London

Let's talk about stains. Yours. Your deep down dirrrty grubby soily slimy understains. What's your favourite? In fact, which of the vile little beauties would make your Top 99? Sounds like a daft question? Snot. The Surf Guarantee promises to "remove 99 Top Stains or your money back".

Trouble is, that's just about all I understand from this commercial. I don't get why they based the whole thing on the removal of "coloured chalk stains". Or where chalk figures in the 99. Or why they paid Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen real actual money to be in it. Or why he exists. Or who the (double straight man) comedy duo are who present it. Or whether there are another 98 commercials in the series. Or anything, really. Sorry.

Skid marks out of ten? It's a number two, I'm afraid. I wonder if Surf removes snake-oil stains? There are more than a few suits hanging around town in dire need of a boil wash right now ...

Kia Motors brings the widely held belief that new cars are ten-a-penny one step closer to reality with the startling news that "all new Kias are available for just a pound deposit". This is a socially, if not creatively, significant commercial. It's chirpy, I suppose. Chirpy chirpy. Yet cheap. Cheap. And not a little worrying.

Rugby players. Hate 'em. Like motorcyclists, they're not required to live by the same set of rules as the rest of us. In any other walk of life gouging, biting, stamping, mauling, rucking, wearing a knotted pink cardie round your shoulders and writhing in a human soup with 14 of your closest gormless, toothless, university educated, bottom-feeding, plankton-personalitied chums would be frowned upon. Not in rugby.

They get their own World Cup, for God's sake. Their own O2 sponsorship deal. If rugby's your religion, this campaign is preaching to the converted. It's just not my cup of somebody else's bodily fluid, Tarquin.

Brylcreem is repositioning itself, mid-stroke, as some kinda follical Viagra. Coiffeuse interruptus, if you like. And I do, actually. There's something coyly British about a campaign based on the Karma Sutra in which the plasticine protagonists never so much as remove their grundies. Nice clean art direction, to boot.

If you love as much as I do, please join me in solemn prayer that any minute now it will get an ad campaign which is much, much better than this sort-of-okay Sacred Weekends thing.

So, you're Greenpeace. You take the most intelligent, creative and articulate comedian in Britain, Eddie Izzard. The most intelligent, creative and articulate man in advertising, Steve Henry. And that bloke from Moulin Rouge who isn't Ewan McGregor. You blast them all into outer space with a view to viewing the incompetence of Planet Earth's inhabitants from the perspective of Planet Zarg. You then give Bush the finger and bring up the rear with a Uranus gag.

How can you fail? You can't. This is a reassuringly extensive inter-stellar winner. It's enough to make you rush out and not buy Esso.


Project: Greenpeace "alien invasion"

Clients: John Sauven, special projects director; Pete Myers, special

projects manager

Brief: Present environmental issues in an engaging and novel way

Agency: HHCL/Red Cell

Writers: Steve Henry, Jason Macbeth

Art directors: Steve Henry, Jason Macbeth

Director: Hank Perlman

Production company: Hungry Man

Exposure: National cinema and viral


Project: O2 rugby

Client: Will Lever, head of consumer marketing and communications

Brief: Promote O2's sponsorship of the England rugby team and its

interactive services

Agency: Vallance Carruthers Coleman Priest

Writers: Paul Kemp, Paul Murphy, John Peacock

Art directors: Rooney Carruthers, Mark Orbine

Directors: Mark Orbine, Paul Kemp

Production company: The Mill

Exposure: Televised England rugby matches and highlights


Project: Surf 99 Stains Guarantee

Client: Lawrence Bate, clothes care category director

Brief: Create a famous campaign that will challenge laundry category

norms by communicating the functional reason to believe 99 stains in an

honest, unpretentious and entertaining way

Agency: Lowe

Writer: Jez Willy

Art director: Alan Davis

Director: John Birkin

Production company: Blink

Exposure: National TV


Project: Car in a box

Client: Guy Jones, marketing director

Brief: Bring to life in TV Kia's £1 deposit strategy

Agency: Mustoes

Writer: Mark Prime

Art director: Lee Hanson

Director: Steve Dunn

Production company: Moon

Exposure: National TV


Project: Keep weekends sacred

Client: Vijay Solanki, marketing director

Brief: Get people to make the most of their weekends by using

Agency: Quiet Storm

Writer: Jo Wallace

Art director: Cat Campbell

Typographer: Kerve

Exposure: Press and posters


Project: Barnet Sutra

Client: Andy Rawle, brand manager

Brief: Launch Brylcreem Reshaper

Agency: WCRS

Writer: Jude Healy

Art director: Dave Kelly

Typographer: Doug Foreman

Model maker/photographer: Aardman Production

Exposure: Men's magazines

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