PRIVATE VIEW: Trevor Beattie, the chairman and executive creative director of TBWA/London

I would readily sacrifice most of my vital internal organs for the chance to launch a product called Really Dark. Even if it does emanate from a client with the wafer-thin creative reputation of Kenco. I say this not merely as a man whose taste in coffee is blacker than a beetle in Spike Lee's coal bucket, but also as one who thoroughly enjoys the cut and thrust of life under the Advertising Standards Authority (I thrust, it cuts).

This campaign should disturb me. And the trouble is, it does. But for all the wrong reasons.

It should threaten to eat my unborn children.

Instead, it tickles my fancy with visual similies.

It is for the faint-hearted, I'm afraid. But I do promise to buy the coffee, for the name alone.

You know when your tongue suddenly turns into a giant frozen strip of orange peel and all your mates look on in wonderment and then some distant Brummie - who may or may not be Ozzy Osbourne - says: "Why can't everything orange be Fanta? I do. And I tell you, it's bleedin' graaaaaaate! Maybe it's a Birmingham thing.

You know when your missus spills Carling lager all over the flat and your tongue suddenly turns into a giant prosthetic dangler and you find yourself licking beer off the floor while simultaneously yet inadvertently cleaning the aforementioned apartment as she gives you one of those knowing advertising looks? No? Me neither. And I'd love someone to give me the odds on me getting this script past the BACC if I reverse the roles.

The Scottish Executive has commissioned a consecutive-page print campaign to highlight the horrors of mixing drink with, erm, Scottish executives.

Lemme explain.

In one ad, we see said besuited sweaty setting off for a night out. Before he leaves, the provisional wing of the Sporan Legion have a few questions for him. "How much is too much? "Is your hair all you let down when you're out drinking? "Aren't you Michael Portillo? (OK, I lied about the last one.) On the following page, the true horror is revealed ...

Our bloke has obviously got so wankered that he's ended up at some crap fancy dress party where he's come last in a Frankenstein's monster lookalikey competition because his costume is rubbish. I can think of no other explanation.

Work like this makes me turn to drink, not from it.

So to HHCL & Partners, which, despite leaking accounts like an incontinent pensioner with a colander for pants, is showing no signs of senility in the strategic thinking department. Sound as it ever was. It's therefore heartening to report that the new Pot Noodle campaign heralds an end to their annus horribilis, via an endline giganticus.

The Slag Of All Snacks, as HM The Queen Mother would surely have said were she still hangin' with us, is dope.

What a great campaign. It's dark (really dark), it's funny, it's stupid, it's honest, it's trouble, it's appropriate, it's laser-targeted, it's classic Howell Henry. And it has an endline so utterly perfect, Clemmow Hornby Inge will probably use it to win the business off HHCL next week.

Ford wants me to get out more. Bye.

Project: Kenco Really Dark
Client: Ben Clarke, category director
Brief: Launch Kenco Really Dark to single men
Agency: J. Walter Thompson
Writer: Trevor De Silva
Art director: Paul White
Typographer: Nick Taylor
Photographer: Toby Macfarlan Pond
Exposure: Men's monthlies and national press

Project: Pot Noodle relaunch
Client: Paula Quazi, marketing director
Brief: Make Pot Noodle famous in the youth market
Agency: HHCL & Partners
Writers: Jonathan Thake and Lee Tan
Art directors: Jonathan Thake and Lee Tan
Director: Traktor
Production company: Partizan
Exposure: National TV and cinema

Project: Carling brand campaign
Client: Kevin Wallace, brand director
Brief: Demonstrate desire for Carling in an ingenious way
Agency: Leith London
Writers: Louisa Almgren and Paul Silburn
Art director: John Messum
Director: Kevin Thomas
Production company: Thomas Thomas
Exposure: National TV and cinema

Project: Launch of new Fiesta
Client: Matthias Kunst, marketing manager
Brief: Relaunch the Fiesta brand across Europe
Agency: Ogilvy & Mather
Writer: Dale Winton
Art director: Hamish Pinell
Director: Chris Hartwill
Production company: RSA Films
Exposure: National TV

Project: Dressing down
Client: Jacqui-Anne Gilkes, communications manager
Brief: Portray the harm that binge drinking does to your self-respect
Agency: Faulds Advertising
Writer: Martin Hartly
Art director: David Aylesbury
Typographer: David Aylesbury
Photographer: Paul Hamton
Exposure: Six-sheet posters

Project: Fanta
Client: Dianne Jaksic, senior brand manager, youth brands
Brief: Maintain Fanta's position as the number one fruit carbonated soft
Agency: Soul
Writer: Ben Steiner
Art director: Oliver Pugh
Director: Geoffroy De Crecy
Production company: Partizan Midi Minuit
Exposure: National TV

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