I’m a sad and lonely earthworm. So sad and lonely and blue. Having
said that, I’m probably the only slimy, hermaphrodite, dirt-gobbling,
animatronic member of the Oligochaeta family capable of pulling off an
even passable impersonation of Perry Como. Oh, and I’m starring in the
best commercial on television. Life’s great after all. See MSN for
details.
And discover a whole new meaning to the phrase ’my other half’.
A recent scientific survey concluded that men who were subjected to the
cruel and unusual punishment known as ’shopping with a woman’ suffered
identical stress levels to those of jet fighter pilots engaged in
air-to-air combat. This I can fully understand, so the fundamental
notion behind online shopping (ie sitting on your tush clicking away
your wages instead of standing gormlessly holding a handbag outside a
changing room with a glazed expression on your face and Steps pumping on
the stereo at six million decibels) I would heartily endorse.
But these UR Wired.com ads? A fat, bald bloke dressed as Lara Croft shot
poorly in your local park? Hmmm. It’s more double chin than double life
and I know that’s probably the intention, but I can’t help finding it
all so damned unpretty.
So, who would you most like to have an After Eight with? Well,
unfortunately for the superbly crafted fantasy dinner party commercial,
it’s those tried and over-tested dead famous advertising fall-backs:
Marilyn Monroe, Einstein and James Dean. (Elvis was presumably in the
kitchen frying himself up a mess of polk salad.) Pity, really, because
with Stephen Fry bringing up the rear for the uncroaked, this could
become a real step forward for the crusty old brand. I suppose, like any
party, it’s down to who you invite.
Last month, for example, I had a pair of tickets to see the one and only
Quentin Crisp (before the old boy took the signs at Terminal One too
literally).
I received the news of his sad passing via a po-faced BBC presenter
solemnly announcing: ’Police report no suspicious circumstances
surrounding Mr Crisp’s death.’ How disappointed he’d have been to hear
that. And what a fabulous dinner guest he’d have made. Dead or alive.
Wry Crisp and Fry, eh? Great after-dinner chat and not a grease mark on
the kitchen paper.
Headache? Tense, nervous headache? Not exactly, but the Beecham’s Flu
Plus commercial (apparently Plus is the new Ultra) does give me a
nagging twinge of deja vu. ’Always read the label,’ says a bold white
caption. Wise words, Bernard. Especially when the label says: ’Warning.
This idea was first (and more startlingly) executed for Nurofen by Tim &
Kate at GGT ten years ago. Repeat dose may cause drowsiness.’
Look, I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried. But for the life of me I just
can’t fathom this Britax car seat ad. I’d be the first to admit that I
possess neither a driving licence nor a vomit-encrusted toddler. And
that drink-driving is one crime I will never find myself committing. But
I still cannot work out why a car crash involving a drink-driver should
be any more of a threat to your child than one involving a stone-cold
sober driver, a large articulated truck, a very steep hill and a patch
of black ice? Or, for that matter, why the first half of the headline is
in red? And why is it a question? And why have they art directed the
baby into the gutter? And does the Britax Empire produce a slightly less
safe version of the seat specifically for less dangerous,
non-drink-related accidents?
Dat Benjamin Zephania, ’im dub, ’im rap an’ ting. In poetry, ’im like a
Lennox: undisputed king. ’Im meck an ad far Morgan’s Spiced, it rock the
nation, see. But though ’im talkin’ liberation, some ting’s troublin’
me. Client, ’im call it ’product shot’, ’appreciation’, ’smart’. But as
I and I and I would say, methinks the ending’s clart. Big up.
MICROSOFT
Project: MSN
Client: Matt Wittingham, relationship marketing manager
Brief: Convey the benefits of the MSN portal site and drive traffic to
it
Agency: Euro RSCG Wnek Gosper
Writer: Mark Wnek
Art director: Paul Shearer
Director: Doug Nichol
Production company: Serious Pictures
Exposure: National TV, cinema
NESTLE UK
Project: After Eight
Client: Liam Newton, category marketing manager
Brief: Reaffirm After Eight as the number one after-dinner mint
Agency: J. Walter Thompson
Writer: Trevor De Silva
Art director: Paul White
Director: Jeff Stark
Production company: Stark Films
Exposure: National TV
SMITHKLINE BEECHAM
Project: Beecham’s Flu Plus
Client: Frances Crewdson, group brand manager
Brief: Position Beecham’s Flu Plus as offering relief from colds and flu
however you may suffer
Agency: Grey Advertising
Writer: Kevin Morris
Art director: Kevin Ferry
Director: Alex Turner
Production company: Godman
Exposure: National and satellite TV
BRITAX EXCELSIOR
Project: Britax car seats
Client: Peter Archer, managing director
Brief: Britax does all it can to keep your child safe on the road
Agency: BCD&P
Writer: Andy Imrie
Art director: Ray Barrett
Photographer: John Mac
Exposure: Parenting press
SEAGRAM UK
Project: Morgan’s Spiced
Client: Julie Page, marketing director
Brief: Position Morgan’s Spiced as a credible alternative to vodka for
mixing
Agency: Partners BDDH
Writer: David Fleetwood
Art director: Gary Monaghan
Director: Andrew Douglas
Production company: Douglas Jones Films
Exposure: Cinema
UR WIRED.COM
Project: Brand campaign
Client: Mattias Lamotte, managing director
Brief: Build awareness for UR Wired.com, the online games retail
specialist
Agency: Maher Bird Associates
Writer: Martin Pierson
Art director: Martin Pierson
Typographer: Andrew Purchase
Photographer: Jonathan Root
Exposure: Men’s style titles, computer/games press
