I’d like to start with the customary reference to the Babes of Beelzebub.

I’d like to start with the customary reference to the Babes of


I’d like to, but I can’t. Thanks to the pitch from hell, I’ve hardly

seen the little mites all week. So girls, if you’re reading this, Daddy

still loves you and stop torturing the cat.

With that out of the way we shall move swiftly on to the ads. First up

before the beak is the Ford Focus ’eclipse’ film. Did anyone see the


Quite dark and ever so slightly disappointing, I seem to remember. If I

said this film did it justice then I think we all know where I’m coming

from. Actually this commercial was much better viewed through those

special glasses. Try it.

The next commercials for Vibrant would scorch the old retina with or

without the funny specs. These were pretty good considering the subject

matter. Of the two I preferred the one where the paint was squidged all

over the screen. Both films are a pure celebration of colour and all

power to the client for buying them. Sadly both suffer from hopelessly

inappropriate voiceovers. One sounding like that painfully unfunny

cat/twat from Red Dwarf; the other, having undergone a bit of dubious

double tracking, sounding not unlike a sort of female dalek. I think

drugs may have been involved.

Otherwise, a valiant effort.

Volvo sent a press ad with lots of knots on it. Why? Who knows?

Something to do with safety I’ll be bound (unintentional gag, but I’ll

leave it in). If you like knots, though, this ad’s a corker. It’s got

hundreds of them.

Talking of string, next up is a puppet. A somewhat familiar one if you

work at BMP. It’s amazing to think that since the Smash Martians were

created we earthlings have landed a probe on Mars and found it barren

and lacking life. I’m afraid the same has to be said of this


To be fair it’s a pretty hard act to follow, but it left me feeling a

bit flat. Dig up classic ideas by all means, but I think you have to

breathe new life into them, or they turn to moondust.

Hovis has got a Nobel Prize winner wishing he’d thought up the concept

of the sliced white loaf. And I should imagine the baker who dreamed up

the sliced white loaf wishes he’d discovered sub-atomic particle


But life’s like that. Let’s just leave it there, shall we. Anyway the

guy is clearly seen spreading honey straight on to the bread without any

butter. So he’s not that sodding clever. Hovis has so much going for it

that it seems a shame to throw it away like this. I much preferred the

ads where people were seen making their sarnies just the way they liked


Finally the best of the bunch. A cinema ad from BT Cellnet without, joy

of joys, E-bloody-T!

A ’two minutes to save the world’ spoof, which is two minutes long, as

it happens. Here’s the story: the slightest noise and the planet is

nuked by a nasty looking UXB. All is going well until we hear a mobile

phone going off. It turns out to be from the cinema audience. I haven’t

seen this at the pictures (thanks, girls!) but I bet it works a treat.

And anything that stops those bastard phones ringing at every

opportunity has to be a good thing. Perhaps the future is bright, after


So, what have we learnt today?

Well, we’ve learnt that there is something duller than the eclipse. And

it’s a car.

We’ve learnt that the greatest thing since sliced bread isn’t an ad

about sliced bread.

We’ve learnt the difference between a rolling half-hitch and a bow


Unfortunately we haven’t quite worked out what that has to do with the

old Swedish Showbox. Stop press: I’ve just been informed that the Volvo

ad ran in the yachting press hence the nautical bent. This, of course,

ruins all my gags but does explain a lot. Extra tot of rum all


We’ve learnt that, however beautiful your ad, the one thing that won’t

wash is a dull voiceover.

We have confirmed that there is no life on Mars.

And that not all BT ads have a rubber puppet in them.

Not a bad day’s work, really. Adios amigos.


Project: Ford Focus

Client: Steve Hood, brand manager

Brief: The Focus exceeds expectations

Agency: Young & Rubicam

Writer: Leighton Ballett

Art director: Lee Goulding

Director: Marc Over Production company: BFCS

Exposure: National TV


Project: Hovis Crusty White

Client: Ian Greengrass, marketing manager

Brief: Announce the launch of Hovis Crusty

Agency: D’Arcy Writer: Roger Holdsworth

Art director: Phil Chitty

Director: Chris Hartwill Production company: RSA Films

Exposure: National TV


Project: Volvo V70

Client: Michele May, advertising manager

Brief: Produce a bespoke ad relevant to the specific readership of

yachting magazines

Agency: Abbott Mead Vickers BBDO Writer: Tony Malcolm

Art director: Guy Moore

Photographer: Tif Hunter Exposure: National yachting magazines

BT Cellnet

Project: Mobile phone etiquette

Client: Kent Thexton, marketing director

Brief: Encourage etiquette among mobile phone users

Agency: Gee Jeffery & Partners (adapted by Abbott Mead Vickers BBDO)

Writer: Don Embree

Art director: Mike Willson

Director: Eddie Chu Production company: Radke Films

Exposure: National cinema

Procter & Gamble

Project: Vibrant

Clients: Hounaida Lasry, brand manager, Frederick Nails, marketing


Brief: Launch a brand that locks in fabric colours so that they keep

expressing their true personality

Agency: Grey

Writer: Chris Street

Art director: Chris Sainsbury

Directors: Graham Fink (’colour sings’), Simon Goodchild (’colour

screams’), Clive Walley (’colour excites’) Production companies: The

Paul Weiland Film Company, Sherbet, Bermuda Shorts

Exposure: Regional TV

HL Foods

Project: Smash

Client: Anthea Harrison, brand manager

Brief: Produce a money-back offer using the brand icon

Agency: Willox Ambler Rodford Law

Writers: Mark Adkins, Alan Rodford

Art directors: Mark Adkins, Alan Rodford

Director: Ken Turner Production company: Annex Films

Exposure: GMTV

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